Amy Schumer Concocts Will Smith Zombie Fantasy

Do you love Amy Schumer? Not to be a presumptuous Polly, but of course you do! Do you love fanfiction? Who doesn’t? Well, my friend, does Gentlemen’s Quarterly ever have just the thing for you. When GQ's Men of the Year issue honoree/guest editor Amy Schumer was asked to invent fantasies about the other folks featured on the list, the award-winning comedian did not disappoint. Every last imaginary scenario concocted by the goddess among mortals is heartfelt. Creative. Moving. Inspired. Beautiful. Perfect.

It's basically the Amy Schumer-penned fanfic of all of our dreams. Here is one excerpt to whet your appetite:

Will Smith and I are filming a movie. We step out of our trailers—and no one is around. I say, “Hey, Bill” (inside joke even though I have never met him). “Where is everyone?” He looks over my shoulder and says, “Oh no, they’re here.” I turn around slowly, like crazy-a** slowly. And I see them. Tons and tons of zombies. He grabs us a bunch of guns and lasers. We kill them all. We get all sweaty and we look really hot. And I say something cool like “They didn’t even see it coming.” Not that but something cool.

The inside joke! The zombie attack! The "something cool" line cliffhanger! Be still my heart!

Oh, you want another one? OK, why not!

Keith Richards and I end up at a late-night party in Amsterdam where Prince, Cat Power, Wu-Tang Clan, and Ani DiFranco are all hanging out and playing music until dawn. We make out but just for a second.

...But just for a second. WHEW. Where's my handheld fan when I need it?