We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm , or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. Now, onto this week’s topic: using a vibrator with your partner.
Q: “So, I love masturbating with my vibrator when I’m on my own. But I'm kind of afraid to bring it into foreplay or during intercourse. How do I bring up the idea of busting out my vibrator when there’s another person in my bedroom? I sleep with men, and I’m afraid the guy is going to feel insulted or intimidated, like I’m telling him he can’t do a good enough job, or that the toy does a better job than he does. Any tips for bringing up the idea for the first time? And what are some ways we can use a vibrator that are hot for the other person too? I don’t want him to feel totally left out...”
A: Thanks for the question! As the creator of Finishing School, an online course that teaches women all of the ins and outs of how to orgasm, I was so excited to get this question. There’s a ridiculous amount of vibrator fear-mongering out there. As a result, a lot of women feel the same way you do — worried that a small little piece of silicone is going to threaten the very masculinity of their partners! Allow me to cut through the BS and share eight tips for bringing your beloved vibrator into the bedroom.
Don’t Stress
First of all, let me share some of my experience from also working with a lot of the male partners of my female orgasm clients. They’re really not intimidated by your vibrators! Seriously! The overwhelming majority of the men I’ve worked with think that bringing a vibrator into the bedroom is extremely hot. Here are some of the responses I’ve heard:
- “I just like knowing what works for her. If a vibrator makes her feel good, I want her to use it.”
- “I don’t know why she’s worried about this. I would love to play with her vibrator with her.”
- “I think it’s so hot to see her enjoying herself. It drives me wild.”
You’re probably way more worried about this than you need to be. Even the guys who initially felt a little nervous about the idea of bringing a vibrator into the bedroom got on board as soon as we talked about it in more detail. As long as you follow the rest of my guidelines, you’ll be just fine.
Bring Up The Topic With Confidence
There’s no shame in wanting to play with a vibrator with your partner. Why wouldn’t you want to do something that brings you so much pleasure? Don’t feel the need to apologize or make excuses for yourself when you bring up the topic. If you’re with a new or casual partner, I would suggest pulling your toy out as they’re touching you with their hands or tongue. Say something like, “I can take care of my clit while you put your fingers to work inside of me.”
If you’re with a long-term partner and you’ve never brought the vibrator into the bedroom, you may want to bring up the idea outside of the bedroom. Say something like, “I was thinking about what it might be like to play with my vibrator while you’re inside of me. It sounds so hot to me. You down to play?” You can also frame it as trying something new in the bedroom by saying something like, “you know what we’ve never tried before… ?” Any long-term couple knows that novelty is your sex life’s best friend.
Remind Them That Vibrators Are An Addition, Not A Replacement
Even the biggest vibrator fan would agree — as amazing as vibrators are, they’re never going to replace a human being. When you’re using a vibrator with a partner, the vibrator is there to heighten the sensation you feel with your partner, not replace it. Remind yourself, and your partners, of this important distinction. For example, when you’re having intercourse, you can say something like, “It feels so good to have you inside of me and this on my clit. It’s almost more than I can take.”
Stay Engaged
Let’s get real for a sec: vibrators can make masturbation feel almost effortless. A lot of us ladies enjoy laying back, taking it easy, and letting the motor do the work. And why shouldn’t you? Treat yourself! But when you’re with a partner, try to make sure you stay engaged with your partner rather than zoning out into vibrator bliss.
If he’s using the vibrator on you, and you’re the focus in the moment, allow yourself to relax and just receive. But if you’re doing something together, make some space for connection. Remember, the vibrator is there to enhance whatever else you’re doing with your partner. If you’re on another planet, acting like your partner isn’t even there, of course they might feel a little jilted. Don’t forget to make eye contact. Talk to them. Keep touching them. Take little breaks from the vibrator, and focus on your partner’s body.
Teach Your Partner How To Use It
Now, let me share some hot ways to get your partner involved with your vibrator. First of all, teach your partner how you like to use your vibrator. Show them how to operate the toy, and your favorite settings. You can put on an incredibly sexy show by masturbating with the vibrator for your partner. Describe what you’re doing. For example, “I don’t like it to touch my clitoris directly. I like to work it in slow circles around.” Try putting the vibrator in your partner’s hand, then taking their hand in yours and guiding them. Or give them feedback, like “push it against me a little bit more” or “move your hand faster.”
Consider Using It On Them Too
You can use your toy on your partner. This is a great way to help them understand the joys of a vibrator. If you have a male partner, gently caress his penis, taint, or balls with your vibrator as you also stimulate him with your mouth or your other hand. (Quick safety note: if you and your partner aren’t fluid-bonded, make sure to put a condom on your vibrator, and swap it out for a fresh condom if you want to use the toy on yourself. No going back and forth between your bodies on bare skin.)
Or, if you’re in an established relationship, you can buy a guy-specific toy for your partner! I recommend the LELO Loki and the Hot Octopuss Pulse II Solo. If he has his own toy, he’s far less likely to feel intimidated by yours.
Try A Couples Toy
You can also get toys that are designed to be used specifically by couples, like the We-Vibe IV Plus, or a vibrating cock ring, like the JeJoue Mio. I particularly recommend Bluetooth-operated vibrators like the aforementioned We-Vibe IV Plus or the JeJoue Dua Bendable Vibrator. You can let your partner operate the toy with his cellphone. He’ll feel like he’s in charge, because, well, he will be!
Remember That You Deserve Pleasure
Vibrators can be an amazing addition to the bedroom, especially if intercourse is a big part of your sex life. A lot of people don’t know that only about 20-30 percent of women can orgasm from intercourse alone. The vast majority of women need direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, which intercourse is simply not designed to do. Bringing a vibrator into the bedroom can help you enjoy the fullness of penetration while getting the clitoral stimulation you need to climax. You should never feel ashamed of giving your body what it needs to feel pleasure. It’s your body, you have to advocate for it. Whether you’re giving your clit some love with a toy, your fingers, or asking your partner to get their fingers involved, make sure it gets the love it deserves.
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Images: Bustle; Giphy; LELO; WeVibe
