You're Not Ready for Music's Most Unholy Alliance

Batten down the hatches and cover your ears: music’s most unholy alliance could be coming to radio waves soon. Will.i.am, arguably the music industry’s most annoying producer, wants to make sweet, sweet music with Anne Hathaway, arguably Hollywood’s most-hated actress. Oh sweet Jesus. A will.i.am and Anne Hathaway song? You can blame Ryan Seacrest.

It all started when Hathaway called in to Seacrest’s radio show yesterday morning to promote her upcoming animated movie, Rio 2 (which I actually want to see — I love a good talking bird flick). At first, the two were just shootin’ the breeze, talking about one of Hathaway’s favorite coffee spots in L.A., but then Seacrest lowered the boom: “Before we get to Rio 2, will.i.am — ­I’m hearing that he’s trying to strike up a little collabo with you.” Hathaway said that she hadn’t talked to her Rio 2 co-staryet, but she was “down” with the idea. “Down.” Somebody hold me.

Hell-bent on destroying pop music as we know it, Seacrest then decided to call up will.i.am to try to make this thing happen. On the phone, will was panting like an excited puppy, practically out of breath at the prospect of working with Hathaway: “Yeah so, Rio 1, I was like, ‘She sings like that?’ I was blown away, Anne, seriously. And then from there I was like, it would be so amazing to do like, music, you know, outside of an animated film, like do music together, that’d be freakin’ dope.” Hathaway replied, “You are— oh my God! That’s crazy, that’s crazy, thank you!” and then Seacrest promised to make sure that the two connected after the interview. Seacrest, what have you done?

Will.i.am is the worst. He is almost single-handedly responsible for ruining Britney Spears' last studio album, Britney Jean. His auto-tuned grunt rapping, which he forces on pretty much every artist he works with, is a crime against humanity. And he is constantly releasing a stream of new music that absolutely no one wants to hear. The music video for his upcoming new single, “It’s My Birthday,” depicts his head popping out of a woman’s vagina as she is about to give birth. He must be stopped! I actually don’t hate Hathaway. Yeah, she’s a little awkward sometimes. Yeah, she’s a little pretentious sometimes. Yeah, her Oscar acceptance speech where she opened by exclaiming, “It came true!” in a little girl’s voice was pretty embarrassing. But she’s a really talented actress. Have you seen Brokeback Mountain? Rachel Getting Married? The Devil Wears Prada?? She’s got acting chops, that's for sure.

But can you even imagine that toothy-grinned, walking pixie cut singing about gettin’ wild “up in da club”? Can you even begin to wrap your brain around the lyric, “Anne-a-licious definition: make them boys go crazy!”? I can’t. It’s too much for me. This can’t happen. They must be stopped.

My distaste for all things will.i.am may come to an end if he is somehow able to deliver a second solo Fergie album that is both as timeless and as flawless as The Dutchess. "Big Girls Don't Cry" is a masterpiece. Until then, I have no use for him. Check out Hathaway’s exchange with will.i.am below — if you dare.

Images: Jason Merritt/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images; Allen Berezovsky/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images