7 Major Dirty Talk Fails

No doubt, we’ve all heard someone say weird things in bed. Maybe the person was trying to be sincere, maybe they were trying to test our limits, or maybe they just wanted to try saying something new—after all, there's no time like the present. Right? Or, maybe they were a pro and aced the I-Say-The-Weirdest-Things-In-Bed test. Of course, there’s talking dirty, which is meant to get one another excited before or during sex. Key word is meant. It's clearly not always the case. Dirty talk can go wrong. Very wrong.

There's lots of info out there on how to talk dirty, saying “be yourself,” “expect a little discomfort,” and “practice makes hotness.” And, sex experts say talking dirty it's good for you, to boot—it helps with foreplay, leads to better sex, and gets you vocal about what you like (and don’t like). After all, it is a form of communication, and communication is essential in and out of the bedroom.

However, when dirty talk goes awry, it can come out as really weird talk and the subject of articles like this one.

I asked Bustle readers to share their weird talk experiences with us. Get ready to laugh—and remember to never, ever say these things in bed.

1. Alan, 54

“I'm a 54-year-old man and I was trying to seduce this late 20s woman. We are in bed and I'm giving her a back rub. She turns to me and says, ‘How old are you?’ I didn't really want to answer the question because of our age difference. I tried to avoid the question because I didn't want to kill the mood. And that's when she said, ‘I want to let you know that I like to watch old man-young girl porn.’ And then she again asked how old I was and I told her I was 54. She turns over, takes off her top, and says, ‘Daddy!’ Suffice to say, it was an amazing night.”

2. Nadine, 35

“On my fourth date with a guy, we were making out and he said, ‘I really want to see you naked.’ We kissed some more and I whispered, ‘Say that again.’ ‘Tina, I really want to see you naked.’ Tina’s not my name, but I went with it (maybe I misheard?) and said, ‘Say that again.’ He said, ‘Tina, I really want to see you naked.’ I pulled away. My name is Nadine—Tina is his close female friend (who's also married). ‘You said Tina,’ I said. ‘I guess I talk to her too much.’ I’ll say. 'They sound the same,' he said, 'Na-dine and Tee-na.' I decided to date someone else who could remember my name, not someone else’s.”

3. The Chick's Bear, "a sprightly 50"

“My wife and I have a great deal of fun in bed and have found that we occasionally start making jokes while making love—to the point where we are laughing so hard we have to stop. A couple of weeks ago, I was complimenting my wife on her 'girlie bits' scent; I love how she smells. When I asked how she made it all smell so good, without skipping a beat, she said, 'Pussy pills.’ It was nothing out of the ordinary for my wife. To add some context to her thinking, I once asked her, 'What do you think of this,' to which she replied, ‘starts with a ‘t,’ ends with an ‘s,’ has a ‘hi’ in the middle.’ After the pills comment, we laughed, engaged, and ended up having to stop because, once again, we were laughing too hard. We've gotten some good mileage out of that one. The fun never ends with my girl.”

4. Max, 24

“The weirdest thing ever said in bed was by a preschool teacher. ‘I want you to put your hand up my butt, and spin it around.’ I was pretty shocked and blown away. Definitely had me half-laughing, half-surprised. I responded, ‘Sure… but we’re gonna need some coconut oil for lube."

5. Anna, 28

"About to have sex with a guy I'm seeing. We're messing around and he whispers, 'Tell me you want me to come all over you.' 'No thanks,' I say. I mean, I'm not a prude but it didn't sound that appealing and I just thought about the mess it would make."

6. JD, 40s

“In the middle of fornication, I get asked, ‘Have you ever tried using a Pee Pocket?' Out of total left field! When I asked for what, she replied, ‘for golden showers.’ I kid you not!!!”

7. Marissa, 31

“After a first date with someone (we’d known each other for years through friends), we start making out on my couch. He starts kissing my neck and alternates between it and my mouth. He then says, ‘You have a beautiful… neck.’ Whaaaat? It caught me so off-guard, I started laughing. I thought he’d say I was beautiful, but no one had ever called my neck beautiful. (He loved horror and vampire movies, so maybe that was why? I started laughing harder at the thought of him trying to suck my blood or something.)”

If you'd like to take a trip down memory lane, watch the sex myths you believed as a child below (and subscribe to Bustle's YouTube page for more videos):

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