Gary Whitta is a man on a mission to get his Star Trek -themed potty training book, Pooping Is Logical , approved for publication by Paramount, et al. He's even got a hashtag, #POOPINGISLOGICAL, which you should be using right now, because this book is, like, the best thing since the Replicator learned to slice bread, OK? And let's be honest, you want to read this one just as much as I do.
I don't have kids, but I think potty-training books are pretty freakin' hilarious. Really, anything about potty-training is funny. Does anyone remember that Toys "R" Us commercial about the little girl pooping in the potty? Priceless.
I have a confession to make: I'm pretty damn poop-shy. The fact that I have IBS makes that way worse, believe me. Trying to hide your gastrointestinal acrobatics at work isn't an easy task, especially when you're deathly afraid of being found out. There she is, I think I hear them whisper. The Girl Who Pooped. Someone call J.K. Rowling and get me a better title, please!
In all serious, pooping is logical. Women hide so many bodily functions — from menstruation to digestive issues — and we really need to stop. It's OK to smell bad, to look bad, to feel bad. The realization that pooping is a feminist issue has helped me get over much of my poop-shyness. I won't take a crap on your desk, and I'll try not to poop in your bathroom, but I'm not going to make myself sick trying to avoid asking you where it is.
In honor of Pooping Is Logical and the illogical secrecy surrounding poop, here are my 14 favorite poop books.
Once Upon a Potty by Alona Frankel
My brother and his wife used the boy version of Once Upon a Potty when my nephew was small, which meant I got to watch the DVD... over and over again. The line "a little hole for making poo-poo" still makes me cackle. It's a cute, funny book that uses — mostly — anatomical terms to teach toddlers about their bathroom business parts.
Poo Log: A Record Keeper by Peter Arkle
You'll almost certainly notice if tomorrow's morning poop is green or orange, but do you know what caused it? Poo Log is a bathroom journal, fact book, and answer key all in one. If you're having digestive issues, or if you just need something to do while you poo, get yourself a copy of this book.
How to Poo at Work by Mats and Enzo
As I've said before, pooping at work can be a tricky business. What do you know when your boss takes the adjacent stall? How about if you ate Taco Bell and forgot to bring some Immodium from home? This is the book with all the practical advice you want, but are afraid to ask for.
Time to Pee! by Mo Willems
OK, so this one isn't technically about pooping, but I'm still including it here, because 1) it's Mo Willems, and 2) it has stickers! Time to Pee! is a potty-training book that uses positive reinforcement — STICKERS! — to encourage children to tinkle in the toilet.
How to Shit around the World by Jane Wilson-Howarth
Next to lost luggage, gastrointestinal disturbances are a traveler's worst nightmare. Unfortunately, they're pretty par for the course when you're touring a foreign country, dining on unfamiliar cuisine — which your stomach may or may not agree with — and encountering new parasites. Jane Wilson-Howarth's How to Shit Around the World is your handy guide to surviving bad plumbing, menstruating in the wilderness, and getting by without toilet paper.
The Origin of Feces by David Waltner-Toews
Just how much does poop influence our society? Quite a lot, according to David Waltner-Toews. The Origin of Feces looks at fecal matter — both human and animal — through economic, social, and biological lenses, giving readers a history of how this oft-vilified substance has impacted our lives, and how it continues to do so today.
Girls Don't Poop by Jen Ashton
This is the coming-of-age memoir you didn't know you needed. Girls Don't Poop is Jen Ashton's hilarious look at Gen-X girlhood and adolescence in the Midwest. Forget calling a maturing body "confusing," because Ashton tells it straight: puberty is absolute hell. Disgusting, riotously funny hell.
Kama Pootra by Daniel Cole Young
If you're looking for a humorous bathroom read, consider getting a copy of Kama Pootra. Daniel Cole Young's novelty manual is packed with 52 bowel-moving positions — from the banal to the extreme — and clean enough for the youngest poopers. The only thing you have to worry about your littles picking up from Kama Pootra is... inspiration.
Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi
Ah, the gold standard of poop books. Published in 1977 — and commonly misnomered "Everybody Poops" — Everyone Poops was first translated into English in 1993. This is the poop book we all grew up with, full of big-pooping elephants, tiny-pooping mice, and every animal in-between.
How to Shit in the Woods by Kathleen Meyer
The old "leave only footprints" adage is an admirable goal, but sometimes difficult to achieve. Carrying your excrement out of the woods with you seems extreme, even if it's what the experts recommend. How to Shit in the Woods is here to help make the whole process more manageable. Whether you're pooping, peeing, or menstruating, this is the book you want to read before you take that week-long camping trip.
The World of Poo by Terry Pratchett
Mentioned in Snuff, this piece of metafiction from Terry Pratchett's Discworld series is a funny standalone read. Pratchett fans will certainly "get" more of the humor here than the non-initiated, but sci-fi fans are sure to love the light bathroom humor in this tiny bedtime book.
The Potty Train by David Hochmann and Ruth Kennison
The Potty Train takes on diaper-clad passengers at the station and whisks them away to the land of big kid potties. If you feel silly saying "Chugga, chugga, poooo-pooooooo," well, that's kind of the point. It's a cute and fun read that kids are sure to enjoy.
Everybody Poops 410 Pounds a Year by Deuce Flanagan
Another book to keep on hand in your bathroom magazine stand, Everybody Poops 410 Pounds a Year is the straight poop on crap you've been waiting for. Did you know that parrot fish excrete sand, or that the Nazis — quite deservingly — ate sh*t to cure their dysentery? If you want to know more, pick up a copy of Deuce Flanagan's funny fact book.
What's Your Poo Telling You? by Anish Sheth and Josh Richman
What's Your Poo Telling You? is the ultimate pooper's toilet reference. This is the book you turn to when you're left wondering what your floating, sinking, stringy, or rounded turds really mean. Illustrated by Poo Log creator Peter Arkle, this is the book you'll be thankful to have on-hand when your poop comes out orange and you're convinced you're dying.