Amy Poehler: Only Slightly More Charming Than Your Average, Everyday Human

Amy Poehler is a perfectly charming 42-year-old woman. She puts her legs on two pants at a time just like everyone else..Or something. And she appreciates the wisdom typically reserved for wizened old crones sixteen times her age. Still, the Parks and Recreation star recently revealed herself to be something no one saw coming: a totally normal, average human. Many are quick to proclaim her an omnipresent goddess, drunk on funny-cuz-it's-true knowledge gained from heavy slurping on the Cup of Enlightenment, but they would be wrong. Because if Amy Poehler is anything, it's an average, everyday human with maybe a slight leg up in the Charming Department — if thanks to nothing more than her bacon appreciation ("Then their bacon arrived," she narrated, "and they never spoke again"). Which, to be fair, she probably learned from fellow totally normal and average human, Nick Offerman.

It would be easy to bug out, arms flailing whilst the proclamations fly: "OMG Amy Poehler is the voice of every generation! Amy Poehler is the Supreme Dream Queen! Everything she does is flawless glory and wonderment! The funniest funny to ever funny in the history of blunt funny! Amy Poehler is everything good in the universe!" But that would simply be a grandstanding melee of hyperbolic proportions. Amy Poehler is a person, nothing more, nothing less. And it's easy to see when you take off those OMG-colored glasses that the Internet supplies on every visit. Because she's much more than a beacon of feminist light, shining hilariously across the fields of time: she's average.

She's a Creature of Habit: Amy Poehler's one of those people that orders her breakfast without consulting the menu, it seems. Might be that "Everything here's good," as she declared during the interview. Or more likely it's because she's like your grandfather, always suggesting the same one or two restaurants they know because their hours are reasonable and the food's consistently average.

She Hates New New York: Being that she has a longstanding relationship with the city of New York, her prickly New Yorkiness is apparent, from her rite-of-NYC-passage, compulsory Lou Reed account ("I always assumed that Lou Reed just walked up and down St. Marks all day long"), to the implied eyeroll regarding the fancification of the Village ("I lived ... right across from a store called Condomania. It's probably a Ralph Lauren now").

She Doesn't Understand Hollywood: Hollywood is one thing: an unoriginal regurgitation of old ideas. A machine. Something that Poehler didn't get the memo on — probably because she was too busy doing her own thing as a reckless, ne'er-do-well youngster, high on delusions of grandeur and the fumes of middling success. But when confronted with the truths of bycomedian Nipsey Russell — "He said, 'Amy, Hollywood's got one typewriter, and a hundred copy machines.'"— All Amy could muster was, well, nothing. "I nodded as if I knew what he was talking about. And I will never forget those words, because I don't know what they mean."

But at The Same Time, She Does: Because even though she may not understand Hollywood, she does understand its people: "It's important to be supportive, but let's not kid ourselves ... In this business, we're all raging narcissists."

She Can't Let Go of The Past: Poehler is a founder of the Upright Citizens Brigade, a comedy troupe turned major bi-coastal ha-ha house of learning. A place she still regularly performs at, especially during "ASSSSCAT 3000," the Theatre's longstanding, Sunday night improv show. But she doesn't just do it, she's desperate for it. "Like someone who can't stop visiting high school after graduation," she stated. Enthusiasm is so uncool, Poehls.

She Doesn't Understand Young People: Think Poehler isn't grandma-status? Think again. She doesn't understand all you youths, and probably assumes you're gay. "I'm always asking [Broad City creators] Abbi and Ilana questions about their lives, because I'm fascinated ... I mean, everyone under 26 seems gay to me. Both men and women. I often ask myself, is everyone gay? There's this gender fluidity that I think is generational, and that's new. But young women now are so interesting and are taking full advantage of their opportunities." Everybody knows "interesting" is just code for "I don't totally understand it so I'm just going to accept it and move on."

She'd Probably Hate Your Spec Script: If she can't appreciate the knowing humor of an idiot 28-year-old, it's no wonder she doesn't get Hollywood! "I dig shows where all the characters don't talk like the 28-year-old writer in the room. Like, there was never a moment in All in the Family where Archie was aware of what an idiot he was, and wink-winked it, and said, 'OMG.'"

And She Definitely Hates Your Selfies: "The amount of Instagram selfies seems crazy out-of-control," she explained. "The idea of, 'This is my face and everyone needs to see it all the time,' is so far from the privacy that people used to seek. Now everyone acts the way '80s performance artists used to act. Everybody's Karen Finley. Everybody's like, 'This is my vagina! I'm gonna put shit all over me and take pictures!' ... Pictures were an addition to the experience. Now the picture is the experience." GOSH, ALRIGHT, mom. We get it, you're not a member of #selfieclub.

If you don't believe our claims, then perhaps this video of Amy egging youths on in their quest to maximize capacity at the embarrassing life moments hangar will:

Images: FuckYeahParksandRecreation/Tumblr