What Brad Pitt's 2014 Looks Like, According to His Birthday Horoscope

Happy birthday, Brad Pitt. You 50 year-old dog, you. You've lived half a century, how does it feel? Are you happy to have turned 50 years old today, Mr. Pitt? Do you have a greater sense of who you are as a person? Maybe a bigger idea about what you want to do with your life? Have a few things on the list you want to knock off? Or... are you lost entirely, awash in midlife crisis shenanigans and followed by a never-ending pile of your children's dirty laundry?

Well, we're pretty certain it's probably the latter part — considering that this is our little space to do with whatever we want (plus it makes for the entire premise of our story). But you needn't sweat out the uncertainties any longer, Mr. Pitt, as we've taken the liberty to read up on what you should expect for your 51st turn around the sun (star science is real!), and seen into the actual future of Mr. William Bradley Pitt.

And thanks to the astute astrological observations of Cafe Astrology, we've made some startling realizations about 2014 in Pitt's world.

"You may be turned to for advice more frequently, and you are very willing to offer your help."

This could mean one of two things, Pitties: either you're going to be producing more movies, which is great, and obviously the natural progression in your increasingly respectable cinematic career. Or... you're going to be brought on as a consultant for the Future Hollywood Movie Star Hotties of America Club as a mentor for young pieces of ass hoping to be the new you in 2034.

"This is a strong year for publicity and any other endeavors that involve spreading the word."

You're going to be talking to a lot of people this year! Lots of 'em. Probably mostly press people (because I mean, who talks to the plebes, right?) but also maybe some fans. A few for movies, a few for your apparently best-tasting-wine-in-the-world. I see no less than 3 visits to The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon in your future.

"You are inspired and could even inspire others with your words."

You're going to write a movie, Brad Pitt! Surprise! Breaking News/ Spoiler Alert/You Heard It Here First: a film. Brad Pitt is going to write a film.

"Some of your hunches could be prophetic."

And that film is going to foretell the future! You're a prophet. Actually, you're Jesus Part II (is that what the long hair was all about?). Congratulations!

"This could be a good year for financial undertakings involving electronics, technology, the internet, metaphysics ..."

It's not all good news, though: you're going to get really into tech trading, which means...

"You have a taste for the offbeat this year..."

You're probably going to become friends with Ashton Kutcher, (we know. We're probably more sorry than you are) and start talking exclusively in Doge. (Plz no, much yuck, so ugh.)

"There may be changes in work schedules, or life's circumstances could challenge you in such a way that you need to change your goals or actions."

Meaning: Angie's gonna have you on a short leash this year. Better come correct because it's Maleficent time, B. Now go take some lessons from Jay-Z about being a better Mr. to Angie's Beyoncé.

"You have a tendency to take risks and to act on sudden impulses without considering consequences."

Translation? You're going to spend some of your actually real, hard-earned money and buy Bangerz this year. Hey, at least you'll come hip and correct to the ironiparty. (Ashton will like that.)