If you listen carefully, with your ear to the window, you might hear a distant whining noise. But worry not, it's not drones (yet), it's just the faint screams of a legion of Beliebers, crying from utter joy because Justin Bieber released his newest album Journals just in time to sell millions of copies to the desperate parents out there. Not only does the album feature the 10 tracks Bieber released gradually through Music Mondays, it also has a surprise five tracks, some of which have been released with videos. Apparently, Bieber made the album to do his very best to, in his words, to let his fans know "truly what's in my heart." It will be released only two days before Christmas, meaning that if you were planning on using the iTunes store, Amazon or pretty much any large corporate site that sells music, forget about it because they'll be crashed straight through Christmas.
This is going to be like some horrible, sad mockery of the Obamacare site issues of earlier this year, so let the madness begin.
Now, it's no secret that Justin Bieber is much beloved by his younger, and often terrifying fanbase, but what of their family members? It's one thing for little Sarah, Madison, or Lucy to lock themselves away in their room for a few days, singing and crying along to tunes they really relate to, like "Heartbreaker" or "Backpack," but it's quite another to subject the entire family to days on end of Bieber tunes, all in the name of Christmas-time family bonding. Mom and Dad, Grandpa and Grandma, all will yearn together for the tired old Christmas tunes they were so thoroughly sick of only a few days before.
Here's how I think Journals at Christmas is going to go down in the homes of long suffering Belieber families across the nation. May the odds be ever in your favor people, for Journals is dark, and full of terrors.
Your Alcoholic Aunt On "All Bad"
"This kid sounds like fucking shit, why does anyone listen to this crap? In my day we listened to the good stuff, like Gary Numan and The Simple Minds. This kid doesn't even sound like his balls have dropped yet. Also, who finished the rum? Oh shit, yeah, it was me, never mind. Also, "get at me" doesn't even mean anything, I swear, do they teach you anything at school anymore? Like grammar? Think I'll switch to wine, it's almost dinner, right?"
Your Obnoxious Uncle On "Heartbreaker"
"This little boy, he doesn't know anything about heartbreak, I tell you. Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, now they knew what it was like to hurt. You and your generation, you think you're so special, that you deserve more than your parent's generation, but you don't know what we went through. Millennials are so spoiled, and this Bieber brat, he's the perfect example of everything about people your age that is going to run the U.S economy into the ground, he think he knows about love? I'll tell you what...."
(Obnoxious uncle will talk at you until you either die of old age, or your mom announces that dinner is served. Pray it's almost meal time, think happy thoughts, and you might just get through this.)
Your Younger Brother Who Just Started His Freshman Year Of College On "Confident"
"Yo, Bieber is so fucking overrated, everyone in my dorm calls his fans, Belosers, isn't that funny? Yeah, we came up with it during Induction Week, yo, we were soooo drunk, haha, it was awesome. And besides, why listen to auto-tuned shit like that when you could be listening to classics, like the Smiths or the Doors, I just got reallllly into them. Yeah, my roommate Kyle introduced me to them, we were pre-gaming for this social and he put on "Alabama Song" and I was like... whoooaaaa man, shit is deep. The backbeat on this track is dope though, not gonna lie."
Your Mom On "Roller Coaster"
"Get your speakers out of my kitchen now, I NEED THE COUNTER SPACE. Go tell your Grandmother again that dinner will be ready soon and can you drag your aunt away from the liquor cabinet, jesus, I'm going to need to replace the entire bar! Also pass me the baster while you're over there, and get that loud shit out of here I'm busy."
Your Pre-Teen Cousin On "Journals" In General
I COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED I LOVE JUSTIN BIEBER SO MUCH AND THIS WHOLE ALBUM IS SO GOOD I DIDN'T SLEEP LAST NIGHT I JUST STAYED UP LISTENING TO IT, IF YOU SAY YOU DON'T LIKE HIM I'M NEVER TALKING TO YOU EVER AGAIN AND I ALREADY ASKED MY MOM FOR TICKETS TO HIS NEXT TOUR FOR MY BIRTHDAY AND IF SHE DOESN'T BUY THEM I'M NEVER SPEAKING TO HER AGAIN I'M SO TOTALLY SERIOUS I LOVE HIM SO MUCH I ALREADY TALKED TO ALL MY FRIENDS ABOUT IT AND THEY ALL CRIED WHILE LISTENING HE IS SO AMAZING AAAAHHHOIWLFGRKWLRKGLSJNKDFGJELSFJGKEJGKERJGKMERG.
Image: JustinBieber/Instagram
