12 Reasons Why Running Is The Seventh Circle Of Hell

I might not know a lot of things, but what I do know is that running is the seventh circle of hell, and I will never do it. I completely believe in following your exercise bliss, whatever it is or isn't. I think it’s great when people want to take better care of their bodies, but I just don’t think running is the way to do it. To me, running is like travel. If I want to get to New York City from Los Angeles, I can either take a nice six hour plane ride with inflight movies and snacks or — I can run there. You see what I mean?

My very own roommate is a runner. She started earlier this year and already she’s kicking ass signing up for half marathons and making me look like that turtle in the famous story. When I see her leave in the early mornings before the sun has time to work properly, I cannot help but feel bad. I get that she loves it or whatever, but I bet she’d love sleep just as much if not more! I know I do!

Have I ever imagined wearing one of those cool slogan t-shirts and running down the street? Yes, many times. Have I also imagined people looking at me through their car windows, rolling them down, and throwing milkshakes at me? All. The. Time. I’ve heard running causes acne, makes you crap your pants, AND makes your nipples look like bologna. The only way I can see myself running in the near future is if my other option is CrossFit. Because I would rather have my nipples bleed from running then talk to anyone that does CrossFit. Below is my list of why running sucks.

It's Booooooooring

Running down the street is not a fun activity for me. The sidewalk, sad looking palm trees, and trash doesn't do it for me like it does for so many others. I like sightseeing, just not when sweat trickles into my eyes. Which leads me to...

All The Sweating

Running makes you sweat everywhere. It's on your back, under your arms, in between your legs and on your upper lip. You sweat out the same bottle of water you are holding in your hand and sipping from. If you are exercising in the gym, at least you have the ability to wipe your brow on a towel. When you run, you don't carry anything extra so a towel is out of the question.

Painful Pain Being Painful

When I run, everything hurts. Pride included. Your joints swell, your shoes pinch your toes, AND you chafe. Why would I want to do this to myself?

You Secretly Wonder If You Look Dumb The Whole Time

Not everyone can look at good as Kanye West, running in his 34 minute mini movie. When normal people run, we look dumb. That is why professional trainers exist, that coach people to run like a cool action star and not like whatever I look like.

Everything Moves

I wish my boobs weren't hitting me in the face while I run, but alas, that dream is long gone.

Waking Up Is Hard To Do

If you live in a neighborhood where you feel safe running after work, I applaud you. For the rest of the world, running is a morning chore that takes away from those valuable snoozing minutes. I refuse.

The Outfits Make You Broke AF

I already spend too much money of clothes as it is. Now I have to buy seven pairs of leggings, sports bras and shirts? Oh, it's cold outside so I need a breathable jacket? New shoes? Basically I'm getting a whole new wardrobe that I use for a few hours at a time. No thanks.

Laundry Day, Laundry Life

This is a chore that only increases when you have more of those outfits I talked about a few seconds ago.

Infinity Showering

Just take the amount of showers you regularly take through out the week and multiply it by three. You are welcome.

People Who Run

The only thing more annoying than running is the people who actually run. They keep rubbing it into your face with their awesome enthusiasm and positive attitudes. I LIKE BEING MISERABLE. I also like free weights.

Better Options Exist

I truly believe that there are an infinite amount of other options that exist besides running. Soccer. Tennis. Swimming. Putting your head in a toilet. Anything but running.

Runners Are Lying To Themselves

Finally. We got to this last point and now I'm going to address it. Most people aren't running. They are jogging. Call it what it is, people! Running is often majestic and has its own category in the Olympics. Jogging...well, it's the dry toast of running.

Images: Giphy (6); NBC