We Imagine Throwing Justin Bieber a Retirement Party, and Cher Shows Up With An Outback Steakhouse gift card

Unless you live under a force field that protects you from all Justin Bieber-related news, you know that Justin Bieber announced his retirement this week. This is not a drill. And we should act accordingly. First things first: Let's throw Biebs a retirement party. Why? Well, I think anyone deserves a proper send-off whenever they decide to hang up their hat. Sure, the average retirement age is 61. Sure, Bieber is only 19. Sure, he's only been working for five years. But everyone's life story is different. Bieber's probably done more in 19 years of living (or five years of working) than I'll ever do in 61, so if he wants to retire, I won't question his choice. If his body/heart/soul/mind is saying "PUMP THE BREAKS," then so be it.

Where was I? Ah yes. The retirement party for Biebs. I haven't actually thrown it, but I have a pretty clear idea as to how it'd go down. Now that Biebs is a retired man, I doubt he wants some young Hollywood party hosted by a Las Vegas club. That sounds exhausting and stressful. He probably wants a retirement party at a country club. He wants finger foods and Arnold Palmers and small talk. He's serious about the retired life.

In my mind, I sent out invites to various celebrities who wouldn't feel out of place at a retirement party. I wouldn't call them "old," just "closer to the average retirement age." And I didn't tell the invitees who the party was for. All I said was, "VERY FAMOUS PERSON RETIRING AND WE WANT YOU THERE TO HELP CELEBRATE." Foolproof strategy. Some of the notable attendees:

Betty White

She'd walk up to Biebs, slap his nuts, and say, "WELL isn't retirement adorable?"

Harrison Ford

He'd bring a top-of-the-line RC helicopter for the guest of honor. "I didn't know who it'd be for," Ford would grumble to White. "All of my retired buddies collect these. Thought it was a safe gift. Funny that the party ended up being for a kid. Crap. I bought a kid a toy. How old is he? He knows this helicopter cost hundreds of dollars, right? I hope he doesn't take it in a bathtub or a play pool."

Jack Nicholson

He'd mutter "Bieber. Bieber. Bieber. I skipped a Lakers game for this crap" as he left a crystal clock paperweight on the gift table.


She'd corner Bieber at the party and demand they dance together. "Honey, you're not retiring. You'll never quit this biz. You're in too deep." She'd hand him a gift card for Outback Steakhouse and hug him goodbye. "Enjoy a Bloomin' Onion, you old retired fart," she'd cackle as she left.

Bill Cosby

As soon as he realized who the party was for, he'd roll his eyes. He'd walk over to the dessert table, leave a Jell-O mold (Nicholson would give Cosby a strange look. "I have a lifetime supply of Jell-O mix," he'd tell Nicholson. "I make a mold for every occasion. Every. Occasion. I have to get rid of them somehow. They've taken over my cupboards. When's your birthday? Do you want a Jell-O cake?"), and then make a swift exit.

Tommy Lee Jones

This. Just this:

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