'Big Brother': The First Have-Nots Competition of the Season Makes For Some Unhappy Campers

A lot can happen in the Big Brother house in the span of just a few hours. Take, for instance, the curve ball that Season 15's band of attractive sociopaths were thrown when host/overlord Julie Chen announced that not only would there be three people put up on the block every week, but America would also be voting for a household MVP. Said MVP would decide who that third person would be, with no blood on their hands.

As Chenbot explained, the MVP would be silent, but deadly: The houseguests won't know who the MVP is and therefor, will be haunted by an unseen figure making their life hell. (Let's all pretend this is actually the plot of The Conjuring.)

With that bomb planted firmly in their brains set to detonate for the rest of the season, the paranoia, alliance-forming, plotting, and general stupidity was in full force just hours after moving into the BB house. Aaryn was convinced she'd be MVP more than once, while Jeremy backed that notion up with his concrete theory: "Everybody loves girls, you know what I'm saying?" Sure, Jeremy.

And Jeremy should know, because he really loves girls. He spent an entire segment naming off all the girls in the house he'd like to have a "snuggle sesh" with. "I'm a pretty charming guy," he said, behind his stupid, stupid, dead eyes.

But he wasn't the only one looking for love in all the wrong places: Jessie (who isn't misunderstood by girls, they just misunderstand how awesome and beautiful she is, you see) is hellbent on having a showmance and then referenced Twilight to ensure that everyone will definitely hate her. (Amanda, who didn't make much of an impression in the season premiere, fast-tracked her way to my favorite player for making fun of Jessie's boy-crazy/general craziness.)

In the end, it would be Aaryn and the surfer brah David to beat them to the punch of this season's first showmance. Now, this wouldn't normally be something of note as two attractive, albeit vapid reality stars getting close is nothing new, but David admitted something incredible: He's not in it for the money, he's actually playing for a showmance. The reality star mantra is "I'm not here to make friend," yet here David is laughing in the face of years of reality show golden rules and also probably laughing at some bubbles.

As Aaryn's strategy was to cozy up to a man who has no strategy to win, Elissa's strategy was to continue hiding her identity as Rachel's sister. That strategy was pretty much shot from the get-go as she looks like Rachel, talks like Rachel, and didn't jump at the opportunity to make fun of Rachel, which every blue-blooded Big Brother fan on the planet loves to do.

But before we could figure out if Elissa was going to have a Rachel-sized target on her back, we first had to find out which players would be the first round of have-nots. In this season's first have-nots competition, the players (except for HoH McCrae) competed in a game called "Happy Campers", which relied on the contestants to swim, balance, and make a soda can pyramid. Which, collectively, Judd, Howard, Elissa, Andy, and Helen — the red team — couldn't pull off and were banished to a week of being have-nots.

In an especially cruel twist of fate: this year's room is modeled after the coach section of an airplane where everything is a non-reclining aisle seat. I can only assume they'll bring in small children to kick the backs of their seats while they try to sleep. They may be in "coach," but let's call a spade a spade: It's a first class ticket to hell.

While those five had their uncomfortable fate decided for them in terms of restless sleep, the fate of who would be going up on the block was still up to McCrae, who became part of his own fivesome. McCrae joined up with an all-male alliance that included Jeremy, Howard, Spencer, and Nick. They set their sights on getting a girl out, but don't feel too bad gals: They managed to come up with an even more ridiculous alliance name than last year's Quack Pack, with the incredibly lame The Moving Company.

The band of dudes stuck to their plan and McCrae put Jessie and Candace (who held a rope wrong, or something, during the have-nots competition) up on the block. While I'm no fan of Jessie (it's all my infinite jealousy of her super-awesome personality) and have no feelings towards Candace whatsoever, the girls are going to need better strategies than pretending not to be someone's sister and hanging on to human door stops like David to take them to the end of this thing. If Jeremy's theory that a female MVP is inevitable, a lady could put a fella up on the block and start to even the score. Then again, that would mean we all live in a world where Jeremy is right about something. Have mercy on us all.

Image: CBS