All the Things You Should Buy with Coinye

Remember that weird cryptocurrency that was basically just Bitcoin named after Kanye West? Well, after receiving a cease-and-desist letter from Yeezus himself, Coinye decided to rush their launch to last night, instead of January 11th as originally planned. They also dropped the "West" from their former name, Coinye West, shut down their old website and formed a new one with an Indian domain name, shut down their Facebook (but not their Twitter) and replaced their Kanye West lookalike cartoon avatar with South Park's parody of the rapper as a gay fish.

All of this is a lot to take in. But don't worry, dear reader, we're here to help. We're here to save you from making a mundane purchase with your potential Coinye riches. Because if there's any kind of money you should spend recklessly, it's this kind. Did you not read above? Their logo is a cartoon of Kanye West as a fish. It's internet money made in the image of a musician who's routinely considered extremely egotistical in a genre that is known for its braggadocio. Oh, and there might be actual legal charges being brought against this form of currency. So channel the spirit of Yeezus and inspire you to purchase one of the following items:

  • Gold shutter shades
  • Expensive, unflattering clothing for your significant other
  • A shirt that lets everyone know that you have the answers, not some former MTV VJ
  • A damn croissant
  • A talking leopard
  • A robot nanny to take care of your leopard
  • All the confederate flags you could ever hope to wear
  • A Grammy. Seriously, there's probably one for sale out there somewhere, even if they won't just give them to you.
  • Nike. The entire company.
  • An exact replica of the factory in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, but all of the candy is actually just drugs
  • A night with James Franco and Seth Rogen where they have to re-enact the "Bound 2" video and you get to watch and no one can laugh
  • All of the "shit product plungers" from Zappos
  • Fireworks, doves, a chamber orchestra, and an entire baseball field for that special someone
  • A glass house full of minimalist, fashionable furniture
  • All the VMAs to give to Beyonce and paying Taylor Swift to watch
  • Portable runways so every entrance you make can be a small fashion show
  • A six day retreat with Maria Abramovic. Who's edgy now, Lady Gaga?
  • A blimp, which will subsequently be turned into a party blimp
  • A Samsung Galaxy phone, just so you can download Magna Carta Holy Grail and then smash the phone under your foot, laughing maniacally
  • Paying Jimmy Kimmel to read all the mean Tweets people have wrote about him, taping it, and putting it on YouTube #nodisrespecttobenaffleck #ALLDISRESPECTTOJIMMYKIMMEL

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