Look, I just want to say that I totally love American Horror Story: Coven. Like, love. I mean, if it came down to recording Nashville or AHS on my DVR, I would like, absolutely pick AHS. Would I choose it over American Idol? Probably not, but let's not go crazy, okay?
And while I'd never want to say anything bad about American Horror Story — you know, because I'm such a great fan — there is just one thing it does that sort of makes me feel like poking my own eyes out with a rusty gardening tool (no offense to Cordelia). It sort of, like... well, every time we're just trying to get through the plot, you know so we can understand where AHS is going and what's it's trying to tell us because we respect its voice so much, it drops a celebrity's name into casual conversation just to prove to us how cool and connected it is. So what? Some of us have been in the same room as Beyonce, okay? (Sure, she was really far away and I only really saw her hair for most of the evening, but it totally happened.)
Everything will be going along smoothly and all of the sudden, AHS will just have Myrtle drop something like Oh, my ex-boyfriend? He's just married to Diane Von Furstenberg now and probably inspired her to invent the wrap dress, so you're welcome, womankind.
Yeah, this super important meeting is great, but can we wrap it up because Emeril just invited me to dinner, sighs Fiona.
Ah, here's my old pal Stevie Nicks. She's just going to play a brand new rendition of "Rhiannon" for you because I asked her to. We're just that close, adds the aging (but you didn't hear me say that) Supreme.
Yeah, sure. It's cool to have connections, and like, we totally appreciate the fact that people on AHS know so many famous people, but it's just sort of, flashy, don't you think? Like, wouldn't it be classier to know a lot of famous people without saying you know a lot of famous people? And what does it even have to do with the plot? Is DVF a witch who comes to Louisiana to take out all those opposed to wrap dresses? Is Emeril working with the witch hunters to poison Fiona and Marie? Oh, they're not that involved? Then remind me exactly why I'm sitting here listening to you brag about it instead of figuring out just what the hell is going on on this show.
But listen, it's not like I'm going to stop watching AHS. I mean, we have fun, maybe too much fun. It's just that sometimes AHS really, really bugs me and I kind of want to drug it with Benadryl and throw it down a flight of stairs. No, I won't actually do that. I just really can't take fake shows who think knowing celebrities is like the coolest possible thing. You know?
Speaking of, do you think Ryan Murphy will follow me back on Twitter? I'm not being vain, I just really want my Klout score to go up. Honest.