Rest In Peace, Moviefone: An Obituary for Our Fallen Father of Film Schedules
We regret to bring you the sad news that earlier this morning, Mr. Moviefone was found dead at his home in the AOL headquarters. Yes, those of you born before the noughties will remember a fond time when Mr. Moviefone reigned supreme, his mellifluous voice impacting millions of people's movie viewing options. With his death, the world lost a real cultural icon, the likes of which we will probably never see again. Never more will we pick up the phone, only to hear that comforting phrase, "Hello, and welcome to Moviefone!" and we'll never again have the chance to press 7 for more theaters. Memorial services will be held at every screening of The Lego Movie until further notice.
Mr. Moviefone died in his sleep of natural causes, and is survived by his brawnier son, Moviefone App. Moviefone App has gone on record as saying, "it with with great sadness that I announce the loss of my father, Mr. Moviefone. His impact on the film industry has been immeasurable, and I hope to do his legacy honor by continuing the noble work of informing people of movie times."
In his heyday, Mr. Moviefone was satirized by no less than Seinfeld and Saturday Night Live, and it wouldn't be a stretch to say that his warmth and enthusiasm for finding movie listings helped a generation of horny teenagers have their first kisses in the dark, back rows of countless theaters.
Mr. Moviefone was an institution, one that will be greatly missed in the cold technological world we live in now. He will be greatly missed.