'True Blood' Season 7 Could Be Good If It Gets Back to Its Roots

It's pretty much accepted that everyone hates HBO's True Blood now. Everyone except me, that is. When I heard True Blood's coming back for a seventh season, my heart skipped a saucy little beat in the hopes that maybe next season will actually bring the heat back to the series.

It isn't that I'm not enjoying the ridiculously trashy plot twists and distinct lack of interesting female characters, but True Blood lost it's joie de vivre a while back, and it's been struggling to find it ever since. The first few seasons delivered great overarching plots and lots, LOTS of gratuitous sex, which is exactly what we wanted because, let's be honest with ourselves, we're certainly not watching for the spectacular acting.

But now ... I don't know. Something has gone terribly wrong for the writers of True Blood. Have a read through these series synopses and see if you can figure out what they're current problem is.

Season 1

Sex. Vampires. More vampires and sex. That cajun accent. Jason being naked a hell of a lot.

Rating for season one: 7.5/10

The first season had all the things we love most about True Blood: Sookie was somehow more backdrop than protagonist, despite being the main character; we got to see Ryan Kwanten's ass so, so much; and it wrapped up surprisingly, with Rene actually being a vamp-hating psycho who killed his own sister. It was trashy, sexy and shocking -- all our favorite things.

Season 2

Eric being cute and Viking-y; a social studies lesson in vampire politics; MARYANN; and CRAZY DEVIL'S HANDMAIDEN EPIC PARTYING SHIT. Also, a meat tower. And loads of unsexy sex.

Season two rating: 9/10

In my opinion, season 2 was the best season we've had yet. There was more than one major plot line, but the writers managed to balance them neatly, something they've been struggling with this season. On one hand, we had #vampirestruggles, what with Eric searching for Godric, and then Godric being like a little vamp Jesus, but we also had Mary Ann's confusing vibrate-y what's-with-the-pig scenario, which evolved really richly. Plus, those parties looked insane. And we got a lot of background on secondary characters. Oh, AND we got to see Sam change from being a white bull into naked Sam while he pulled out Maryann's black heart. Bad ass.

Season 3

Werewolves, sex, hick werepanthers, and the best thing to ever happen to True Blood, Russell Edgington.

Season three rating: 7/10

Were it not for the introduction of Russell Edgington, the roughest, toughest, don't give a fuckiest vampire in this entire series, season 3 would be barely worth the trouble. The whole Hotshot side plot was disturbing and weird (incest, anyone? rape? any takers?), and also, who the hell even cares about werepanthers? Same goes for the faerie thing ... biggest letdown ever. I'd have been a hell of a lot more impressed if Sookie's grandfather had been an orangutang and thus passed down powers of primate-ness or something. Seriously. Sookie can take her fairy-godmother and light blast-y things and shove 'em somewhere that doesn't see any light at all. Are you noticing the suspicious add-one plot thing going on here?

Season 4

Aunt Petunia as a power-hungry witch who controls a coven, including Lafayette, who becomes a brujo; Sam has a brother, Sam's brother is dead; Jason is fucking Jessica who is with Hoyt, who is best friends with Jason; Sookie is sowing her wild oats with a totally different Eric; and also, Steve Newlin is a gay vampire. Bye Jesus.

Season four rating: 6/10

The light in the storm of season 4 was that Lafayette got loads more screen time, but I've openly advocated for more Lafayette in the past. Everything else though? Whoa. It's clear where the writers began to struggle, because every season after the second one just heaps plot on top of plot in the hopes we won't see that they're all a little half-baked. Guys, here's a thought: fewer subplots, more plot planning. Also, really with the Spanish ghost thing? Give me a break.

Season 5

Vampire Authority, MORE RUSSELL, sex. More sex, religious Bill, an ifrit/Terry loses his shit, and there's a fairy coven right outside Bon Temps (where has that been this entire show?); aaaaand Bill becomes Billith. Everything else is filler.

Season five rating: 3/10

Trust me when I tell you that the above summary only covers about one ninth of the ridiculous bullshit last season put us through. For no reason. But again, we see plot additions, which made the season messy, which in turn made viewers lose interest and get confused. Loose-ended plot lines in season 5 made it hard to watch, which might have something to do with the ratings drop of the season 6 premiere.

And that brings us to our current spot in season 6 of the still-oversaturated series. So here's my thought: Kill off a fuck ton of people. That's right. We think we don't want True Blood without Eric and Alcide and Bill and everyone, but is that even true? The plots have gotten way too divergent and confusing, someone needs to GoT that shit and kill off some damn characters. I'm already sick of watching Sam wander off into the sunset with his dumb human ladyfrand, and the whole Shreveport pack plot sucks, too. Kill 'em all I say, so we can have True Blood season 7 back in it's original format: simple plot, lots of sex, and vampires, vampires, vampires.

They just better not kill Lafayette, or I'm going to have to stop watching completely.