The Best Bad Horror Films You Have to See, From 'Vampire's Kiss' to 'Death Spa'

Confession: I do not know a lot about "cinema." Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy it, and I love examining any kinda of media critically. I'm just not the person to quiz about Bergman's greatest films. Because instead of spending my nights in arthouse theatres, I spend most of my time watching total and complete garbage. And it is great. Here's how you do it: grab some friends, some beers, and the worst possible movie you can find and rip it a new one. There's no expectations for the movie to be good or intentionally funny, so you'll never be disappointed. They're usually horror movies with terrible special effects and lots of unnecessary nudity. If you need some inspiration, here's a few picks:

Vampire's Kiss

What can I say about Vampire's Kiss that hasn't already been said? It's Nick Cage at his strangest, using what he believes to be a New England accent (but is actually an accent that no human has ever had). There are too many GIFs of this movie to count. This is the classic bad-good film. Seriously, there's nothing better than watching Nick Cage walk around with plastic vampire teeth, pretending he's a vampire.

Big Trouble in Little China

Kurt Russell is usually a good sign of a bad-good film, and Big Trouble in Little China is one of his best (see also: Escape from New York). Not only does Russell play the protagonist, a redneck trucker, but one of his foes becomes so angry at his defeat that he blows up. As in literally become so inflated that he explodes.

Tokyo Gore Police

The biggest compliment you can give this movie is that it delivers everything it promises. Gallons of blood spurt at the camera in this movie, but the best part is that none the gore looks the least bit real. And the film's conceit, a mad scientist that's made humans that sprout weapons from their wounds, makes for some pretty weird scenes: there's a girl whose legs turn into an alligator (because apparently, that's a weapon), and yes, there's a man whose cut off penis turns into a cannon.

Death Spa

Yes, this movie is about exactly what it sounds like: a spa. Of death. Not only is it hilariously '80s, but the gore is very...creative. Someone's hand explodes, someone's eye pops out of their skull during a makeout session, one guy's pecs explode after being trapped by a weight machine. There's a hilarious misunderstanding of how computers work, and some great, ominous free jazz in the trailer.

Warwolf2008 on YouTube

Yo Yo Girl Cop

Again, exactly what it sounds like. A dangerous girl cop whose weapon of choice is a yo-yo. Bonus: the film is in Japanese, and the subtitles were clearly translated by someone with a not-so-great grasp on the English language.

Death Bed

This is a pretty reliable formula for finding a good-bad movie: gory verb + noun (Death Spa, Blood Diner, etc.) I would wax poetic on this movie, but there's no way I could do a better job than Patton Oswald:

SultanOfSurreal on YouTube

Image: Magellan Productions