Disney's feel-good movie of the summer, Million Dollar Arm, hits theaters nationwide on Friday, and I'm ready to give you a whole new way to look at the film. Based on a true story (as all worthwhile feel-good movies are), Million Dollar Arm tells the tale of J.B. Bernstein, a struggling sports agent portrayed by Mad Men's Jon Hamm. In an effort to save his floundering career, Bernstein travels to India in an attempt to find fresh baseball pitching talent.
Unfortunately, this kind of feel-good movie is so cliche and so predictable. But what if things could be different? What if we could turn this entire been there, done that Million Dollar Arm movie on its head? What if instead of being played by Jon Hamm, J.B. Bernstein were played by Don Draper, the brilliant, pessimistic New York ad man with a passion for booze and women?
What if instead of offering his baseball players vaguely inspirational platitudes about life, Bernstein were able keep it totally real and educate everyone around him on the soul-crushing, completely unavoidable truths of the world, just like Don? Yeah, that would spice things up a bit! Not to mention, it would be so much more hilarious.
Let's take a look at how Million Dollar Arm might be different if we swapped out Jon Hamm's lines for some of Don Draper's iconic downers...
"I'm living like there's no tomorrow...because there isn't one."
"Don't wake me up and throw your failures in my face."
"You're born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts."
"It's your life. You don't know how long it's gonna last, but you know it doesn't end well."
"I hate to break it to you, but there is no big lie. There is no system. The universe is indifferent."
"I blow up bridges."
Wait, you what??
"I'm going to sleep. You can do what you want."
"Change is neither good or bad, it simply is."
"Why does everybody need to talk about everything?"
Okay, I'll stop talking now.
See? Now wouldn't that be so much better than 5,000 variations on "Follow your dreams!" "Always be yourself!" and "Reach for the stars!"? Yeah, I thought so.
As I said, Million Dollar Arm is out everywhere Friday. Will you be buying tickets to get your daily dose of inspiration?
Images: Disney; scuttlebuttstuch/tumblr