Dracula's Castle Is Actually For Sale, And These 5 TV Characters Should Consider Making A Bid

Tired of living in an apartment? Need to get away from the city? Consider this beautiful place in the middle of the Transylvanian mountains in Bran, Romania. Everyone will compliment this place for its gothic scenery and terrific view — oh, yeah, and for its literary merit. Did I forget to mention that this is Dracula ’s castle that’s for sale? Oh yeah. Sorry about that.

The castle, which is believed to be the inspiration for Irish author Bram Stoker’s description of Dracula’s castle in his book, is on sale for $80 million. The castle, called Bran Castle, dates back to the 13th century and has been occupied by various bands of warriors and knights over the years. Now, it’s a popular tourist attraction for those seeking Dracula thrills.

The castle isn’t for sale in the way a normal house would be sold; New York law firm Herzfeld and Rubin is currently entertaining offers on behalf of the current owners, Archduke Dominic Habsburg and his sisters Maria Magdalena and Elizabeth. The largest bid so far is set at the low, low price of $80 million by the Romanian government.

Now, perhaps this castle isn’t meant for the average person: The upkeep costs would be outlandish, and the castle lacks residential plumbing — because it was destroyed when the castle fell under the control of a Communist regime — but no worries, Archduke. These characters are the perfect people to buy this castle!

1. Orin

If you loved this Parks & Recreation character’s performance art show “Human Farm,” then imagine how amazing the art shows will be in Orin’s new castle. Sure, he may not seem like he has enough money to outbid the Romanian government, but his mysterious aura makes me believe that it’s most definitely possible that he just has a hoard of money stored somewhere.

Orin is known for making people feel uncomfortable and for seldom speaking. This castle would be perfect for his creepy disposition.

2. Wednesday Addams

This one is almost too obvious: Wednesday already lives in a creep Victorian home, so why not upgrade this deadpan character to a Romanian castle? The entire Addams family fits perfectly in the home, but especially Wednesday. Her grim-look, and her fascination with death and the macabre, along with her lack of smiling, makes her perfect for this castle.

3. Pamela Swynford De Beaufort

This True Blood character would also be a wonderful addition to the Dracula bid. Seeing as this was the inspiration for the home of another vampire, why not have the next owners be vampire? Pam’s sarcastic and honest personality makes her another good fit for the Dracula castle. And just imagine what kind of nightclub she could run out of that place.

4. Squidward Tentacles

After all of the mayhem that Spongebob and Patrick have put him through, Spongebob Squarepant’s Squidward deserves to have some peace of mind in a Romanian castle. Knowing Squidward, he’s probably saved enough money to outbid the Romanian government, and he’ll probably want the castle badly enough to put down any amount of money he needs to. This castle would also be the perfect place for him to practice his clarinet skills.

5. Dwight Schrute

The Office’s Dwight Schrute needs a place where he can both farm beets and plan for world domination — or at least domination of the paper industry. This Romanian castle, even with its plumbing problems, would suit him well. And he would have room for the large family he wants.