If Miley's Wax Figures Could Talk...

She’s just bein’ waxy, er, Miley: Monday, Madame Tussauds Berlin debuted a new Miley Cyrus wax statue. It is exquisite. Truth time: I envy the statue's eyelashes. While this is not the first wax sculpture to be erected in the artist formerly known as Hannah Montana's likeness, it is the first Cyrus statue to feature her short 'n' sweet hairdo. Just how many wax Cyruses (Cyrii?) are out there? Uh, A LOT. Somewhere between three and 178.

I did some research (i.e., scrolled through some tweets) and found pictures of several of the Cyrus statues. Some of the statues are totally fine. Heck, as far as wax figures go, some of them are pretty dang good. Lifelike, even! A few of the statues, however, are bizarre. Not only do they miss the mark, resemblance-wise, but they're kind of terrifying. They'll burrow into your mind and stay there for hours. So haunting.

Actually, I can't decide which is more unsettling: a statue that looks like it could come to life at any moment, or a statue that looks like a demonic mannequin. Ugh, as weird as wax statues are, I'm glad they exist. I will never get sick of looking at photos 'em. NEVER.

I realize freaky wax statues are not a new phenomenon, but that doesn't make the Cyrus sculptures any less phenomenal. And now, they must welcome the newest Cyrus statue to the wax figure party:

Without any further ado, I present:

The Great Miley Cyrus Wax Statue Get-together of 2014

[Several Miley Cyrus wax figures are hanging out in a museum storage room. Someone has decorated it with streamers and balloons. There's a banner that reads WELCOME TO THE WAX FAMILY hanging over a refreshment table. "Party In the USA" plays on a small boom box. The wax figures are laughing and chatting. LEOTARD MILEY enters the room]

LEOTARD MILEY: Hi, y'all!

OTHER MILEYS: [In unison] Hiiiiii, Miles!!!!!!!!

LEOTARD MILEY: Hi, fellow Mileys! This is so exciting. Wh— [To NOT MILEY FACE MILEY] Sorry, I can't quite place you. Who are you supposed to be?

NOT MILEY FACE MILEY: What are you talking about? I'm Miley. We're all Miley.

LEOTARD MILEY: [Laughs] You're kidding, right?

NOT MILEY FACE MILEY: No...?

LEOTARD MILEY: Oh my god, don't make me say it. FINE. You look nothing like Miley. That's the joke, right? Smile, I'm on Candid Camera! [Laughs]

NOT MILEY FACE MILEY: I've been told I look like Miley, so that must mean I look like Miley.

LEOTARD MILEY: Okay.

PINK AND RED JACKET MILEY: [Taps LEOTARD MILEY on the shoulder] Where'd you get those shoes? I like 'em. I think they'd go with my belt!

LEOTARD MILEY: [Blinks at PINK AND RED JACKET MILEY]

PINK AND RED JACKET MILEY: What's wrong? Is there something on my face?

LEOTARD MILEY: [Blinks at PINK AND RED JACKET MILEY]

GEMSTONE MILEY: [Pulls LEOTARD MILEY aside] Hey. You have to play it cool. We're all Miley here.

LEOTARD MILEY: But they—

GEMSTONE MILEY: Shh. Just let it go.

LEOTARD MILEY: I... okay.

LEATHER JACKET MILEY: [Gives LEOTARD MILEY a high five] Okay, you look super awesome. You are ROCKIN' that high-cut leotard.

LEOTARD MILEY: Thanks!

LEATHER JACKET MILEY: But can I give you a piece of advice?

LEOTARD MILEY: I've been here five minutes and I've already offended two figures. I'll take all of the advice I can get.

LEATHER JACKET MILEY: You might want to keep a light sweater near the exhibit. Just in case.

GEMSTONE MILEY: Yeah, the museums get cold.

LEOTARD MILEY: Where would I get a light sweater?

LEATHER JACKET MILEY: Check the museum's lost and found.

[BLUE DRESS MILEY enters the room. Everyone falls silent]

BLUE DRESS MILEY: Who's the new girl? [Looks LEOTARD MILEY up and down]

GEMSTONE MILEY: This party was for her, remem—

BLUE DRESS MILEY: You're boring me.

LEOTARD MILEY: Hi, I'm going to be at Madam Tussauds Berlin! It's nice to meet you.

BLUE DRESS MILEY: [Grabs LEOTARD MILEY's elbow] Okay. You look fantastic, but don't let the others know I said that. I never dole out compliments. I get the compliments. I'm the queen bee, ya dig? And don't you dare make a beeswax joke.

LEOTARD MILEY: [Laughs but stops when she realizes BLUE DRESS MILEY isn't laughing] Oh. You're serious. I don't want to usurp the throne or whatever. You have nothing to worry about. Can I just say, you look very real.

BLUE DRESS MILEY: I know. [To the group] Twerky is cool.

OTHER MILEYS: YAAAAAAY!

NOT MILEY FACE MILEY: [Grumbles]

BLUE DRESS MILEY: What was that?

NOT MILEY FACE MILEY: Nothing. [Melts into a puddle of wax and wig hair]

LEOTARD MILEY: Oh my god, is she okay?

BLUE DRESS MILEY: Ugh, she does this every time we get together.

NOT MILEY FACE MILEY: [Gurgles]

[The OTHER MILEYS cackle and dance to "Party In The USA."]

THE END