I wasn’t ready for the Double Dare prize montage. I don’t think I was ever going to be ready for the Double Dare prize montage. But I couldn't not watch the Double Dare prize montage. So I did it. I watched Everything Is Terrible's almost 11 minute-long compilation of the prizes up for grabs on the classic Nickelodeon game show Double Dare. And holy cripes. The video made me feel old. And weird.
There was a time I wanted to win all of those prizes, but now I'm laughing like a hyena at those prizes. A pocket dictionary is not a prize. It's lame. As a matter of fact, a lot of these prizes are hella crappy. What is a "prize," anyway? Is "prize" a relative term? Where am I? What is anything anymore?
The worst prize/the prize that made me LOL the hardest: That Sweats Express sweatshirt. Who wants to win a basic-ass sweatshirt on a game show? What is Sweats Express? Was that enormous square label part of the sweatshirt? Without the label, it'd look like a generic sweatshirt you'd buy at Michael's for two dollars (to puffy paint and rhinestone it within an inch of its life, of course). I ask again: Who wants to win a basic-ass sweatshirt on a game show?
The second worst prize: The snorkel and the mask. Can you imagine going on that show and taking home a goddamned snorkel and a mask?
"I was on Double Dare years and years ago," you tell your friend.
"Oh really? That's awesome! What'd you win?" your friend asks.
"...asnorkelandamask," you mumble.
"I'm sorry, what was that?"
"A snorkel and a mask."
"Oh... I... "
"It's okay, you don't have to say anything."
"I'm... I'm sorry, man."
The boom boxes and the AOL subscription are hilarious and dated now, but at least there was a time when they were relatively cool.
THAT SNORKEL AND THAT MASK WERE NEVER COOL. And they look cheap as hell. "Quality diving products?" [Side eye] You KNOW water would get into that mask every time you wore it swimming.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that picnic basket.
Image: Dimitri Simakis/YouTube