They Chose the Wrong Guy to be the Next 'Bachelor'

Honestly? I don't even know where to begin. Last night's Bachelorette finale was so bizarre, it's still hard to wrap my brain around. Who did Desiree Hartsock pick, you ask? To everyone's goddamn surprise, she actually went with Chris. We watched her cry her eyes out for two hours, then try and convince herself that she wants to marry this Chris, even though it was obvious to everyone that she only really loved Brooks. Bachelorette creator Mike Fleiss said it would be the "weirdest ending" in the series' history, AND IT WAS. By the time they got around to announcing who will be the next Bachelor on the After the Final Rose ceremony, everyone was just so happy to move on from Des and her astoundingly poor decision-making skills that we would've cheered even if Chris Harrison had revealed that Chris Brown was going to star on the show. Thankfully, though, Harrison had good news for Bachelor Nation: Juan Pablo Galavis is going to be the next Bachelor .

I mean, it's good news and it's not good news. Harrison drove home the point that Juan Pablo's the only guy to become the Bachelor after so little screen time, and it feels like we hardly know this guy. He's a 32-year-old former professional soccer player from Venezuela who has a daughter whom he loves very much, but other than that ... not so sure who he is. I will admit, though, that he was very charming last night. Again, not sure if I was just so thrilled to not have to stare at Des' face that I would've been happy with anyone in that chair, but still — he made me laugh. And that accent ... come on. The women are going to go fucking nuts for him this season, and I'm sure we at home will, too.

But, I think we need to talk about Brooks here, for a second. Do you think ABC offered him the Bachelor spot and he turned it down? Because Brooks would've been perfect for the role. One, we already know him really well. We've met his family (twice, actually, thanks to his cold-feet, but forget about that!), we know that he's kind of goofy yet kind of suave, and we know, now, that he looks even hotter with a beard.

Brooks also made it perfectly clear on Des' season that he knows what he wants and can make the tough call when he has to. It wasn't easy for him to crush Desiree's heart and soul on national TV, but he did it anyway, and I'm being serious when I say that I find that admirable. So many of those guys just go through the motions (cough Jef Holm cough), get engaged, then break up a few weeks later. Brooks took the high road. It would've been nice if we could have rewarded his behavior by giving him the opportunity to further debase himself on reality TV and date 25 women all at once.

Juan Pablo will do, though. He's like a latin Jason Mesnick, only with actual charm, grace, and sex appeal. While I'm not looking forward to all the contestants stepping out of the limo and invariably trying to impress him with their high school spanish (Yo hablo español! Mucho gusto!) it will be fun to see some culture on the show. They tried with Des to make her season all about the rags to riches tale (she lived in a tent! now she drives a Bentley!), so it's pretty clear J.P.'s hooks will be his South American heritage and his daughter.

We all know it would've been awesome to have Brooks in the Bachelor driver seat come January when the show returns, but I'm cautiously optimistic about Juan Pablo. Hey — if he backs out and Brooks still says no, I'm thinking Des' brother is an excellent back up plan, right? Someone get that guy a spinoff, stat.