What Would ‘OITNB’s Ladies Say to Justin Bieber If He Landed in the Big House?
January really wasn't Justin Bieber's month, you guys. Maybe it was because the pure misery of the Polar Vortex had really gotten to him, or maybe he's just a spoiled brat, but regardless, the former bowl-cut devotee decided to raise hell all throughout the first month of 2014. Justin Bieber's legal woes set off on a seemingly never-ending and highly publicized avalanche and they've plagued him ever since. Let me break it down for you.
It all started with the now-infamous egg throwing incident in the Canadian pop star's upscale Calabasas, Calif. neighborhood. The resulting "bad egg" puns alone should have been a reason to abstain, but as we all know by now, what the Biebs wants the Biebs gets, and he apparently wanted his neighbor's house to look like the inside of an omelette. Next up was his bright idea to drag race in Miami Beach on January 23. In his Lambo. Allegedly, under the influence. Do you need me to tell you this did not end well? Because it did not end well.
Besides singlehandedly keeping tabloids in business, these antics also recently landed him a slew of legal reprimands, most recently two years probation for the egg attack. While the proceedings for his DUI are still up in the air, I have to wonder what would happen if Bieber was someday sent to the "big house?" I'm fairly certain Rolexes, fitteds and Lamborghinis aren't allowed in jail. You know how I know this? Because I watch Orange Is The New Black, the 12-time Emmy nominated Netflix series whose second season quickly became synonymous with the phrase "binge-watching." You've probably heard of it.
Well, who better to offer advice for a (possibly) impending trip to jail than the ladies of Litchfield penitentiary themselves?
Piper Chapman - "Don't take any shit."
Piper, much like the Biebs, was used to a life of luxury before landing in the pokey. Her introduction to Litchfield life was a rude awakening (no food, no money, MANY PROBLEMS), until she finally learned to stand up for herself. Take notes, Justin.
Tasha "Taystee" Jefferson - "Just because you're in prison it doesn't mean you should forget your morals."
I'm not sure if Justin Bieber has any morals to begin with, but on the off chance he does, he should follow the lead of Taystee, who always tried to do what was right no matter how many episodes of Toddlers and Tiaras she had to sacrifice.
Poussey Washington - "Get tough."
The daughter of a major in the Army, Poussey knows a few things about being a bad bitch. Do you think Bieber could survive losing his BFF in prison to an evil, manipulative drug-dealing matriarch like Poussey did? Time will tell.
Galina "Red" Reznikov - "Appreciate the simple things."
Prison has very few perks, so like Red, Beiber better learn to appreciate the little things when he can.
Sophia Burset - "Never lose your sense of style."
Sophia somehow makes wearing a prison uniform look absolutely fabulous. TEACH US YOUR WAYS, SOPHIA! Bieber will be lucky if he can learn to accessorize with duct tape half as well as she can.
Alex Vause - "Tell it like it is."
There's no question that Alex is not one to hide her feelings. If the Biebs wants respect in jail, he might have to embrace his blunt side. Or buy hot black glasses. Whatever.
Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett - "Take personal hygiene very seriously."
Just because you're in close quarters with hundreds of other people using communal bathrooms, it doesn't mean you have the right to smell like a turtle tank.
Nicky Nichols - "Stay optimistic."
Listen, Bieber. Even when all seems lost and you think you've totally forgotten what foie gras and caviar taste like, you've can't lose hope! Tomorrow might be taco night!
Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren - "Loyalty is key."
Crazy Eyes is a little, well, crazy, but that doesn't mean she's not one of the kindest, most loyal inmates at Litchfield. She'd do anything for her prison buddies, and a friend like that is rare.
Lorna Morello - "Stay up to date with pop culture."
Once you've forgotten the importance of Rihanna, life is pretty much over. Don't let it happen to you, Justin. DON'T.
Tricia Miller - "You're not the only one with problems."
Stop making bad choices, Justin. Please, for Tricia's sake (RIP).
Big Boo - "When all else fails, dance it out."
Maybe you and the other inmates can start a prison boy band, eh Justin?
We'll keep our fingers crossed for you!
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