Michelle Obama's Bake Sale Ban is Outrageous, Cruel, And Completely Fake

Just in time for her husband's 53rd birthday on Monday, The Washington Post clarifies that First Lady Michelle Obama is definitely not trying to ban bake sales or celebratory pastries in schools. Even with the facts laid out, I still feel like conservatives are going to walk out of the president's birthday photo ops with at least a few Marie Antoinette references.

On July 1, a federal law took effect that calls for tightened regulations on food items sold in school lunch rooms, vending machines, and fundraisers. The Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act was written to serve the 31 million kids who are served at public schools each year, particularly aiming efforts at low-income children. Michelle, the U.S.'s resident anti-cupcake tyrant, promoted the legislation as part of her "Let's Move!" campaign designed to fight childhood obesity, so now that the law, which passed with bipartisan support in 2010, is finally going into effect, it is all her fault.

Thanks, [Michelle] Obama.

The Washington Post breaks down a few of the public misconceptions about the law, bolstered by hyperbolic headlines like "Put Down the Cupcake: New Ban Hits School Bake Sales," and, my favorite, "Michelle Obama’s Meddling In School Lunches Now Causes BAKE SALE BANS." Mainly, even though the government war on pastries does sound like a nice soundbite (and Onion article), there are a lot of loopholes that will allow the good work of PTA moms to carry on.

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First, ban might be a bit of a stretch. Though the language says bake sales and fundraisers with non-compliant foods should be "infrequent," it is up to the states to decide how many they will allow per year. The law also only extends to food sold during school hours, but not at other after-school events.

So, if you're worried that the BAKE SALE BAN may hinder your child's early understanding of capitalism and caloric excess, you should write your state government. In Georgia, as The Washington Post points out, schools can have up to 30 bake sales per year.

And also, if you want to bring cupcakes for the class on your birthday, that is still permissible under Supreme Leader Michelle Obama's sugar-stealing legislation.

Oh, by the way, the law does a lot of really other helpful things besides STEAL CHILDREN'S INNOCENCE BY TAKING AWAY BROWNIES. For example, it provides funding to improve the health standards in federally subsidized lunches and increases access to the free and reduced-price lunch programs.

Images: Getty