Wedding preparation, the 'Honey Boo Boo' way

Most people, you know, they think that planning a wedding means months -- maybe years -- of intense, focused organization. You found a caterer? Congratulations, that's one item off a list that includes hiring a DJ, picking a cake, verifying wheelchair access for grandpa, and losing 35 pounds to fit in that really, really gorgeous dress you'll never wear again but GOD DAMMIT this is your day and the photographs will commemorate it forever. Stress eats away at you like a third world virus but hey, weddings are supposed to be stressful. (Like Christmas!) (?) Anyway, it'll all be smooth sailing from here.

The Honey Boo Boo clan is opposed, on an almost genetic level, to all that wedding fussiness and in this PENULTIMATE EPISODE OF THE SEASON shows us how they go about prepping for the big day. Disappointingly, it doesn't even roadkill or farting. But they do talk about those things, so...

With just days before the planned commitment ceremony, Mama and Shugie take the girls to the park to blow off some steam. A park seems almost beside the point when every waking moment is an opportunity for the girls to act out scenes from "Where the Wild Things Are", but they still make the most of it. Anna and Pumpkin brought exercise balls. For exercise? Hahahaha. Try running at each other full speed with a ball at their midsection, trying to knock each other down. "I knocked Anna down because of my…momentus. It's science," says Pumpkin.

Physical activity. CHECK.

Next up: getting everyone, but especially Mama, appropriately groomed for the big day. "Do you plan on doing any lady-scaping?" Anna asks her mother, which is weird, especially when I'm pretty confident she already knows the answer. But lady-scaping or not, the girls know Mama could use some other work, too. Like...

  • A "s'mage," Alana's creative pronunciation of "massage"
  • To get her chin(s) vacuumed
  • To have the "crust" on her neck sanded (Jessica's comment, not mine)
  • Neck hair plucking
  • "Roll jiggling," which I think just means jiggling rolls of fat

They can do at least 2-3 of those things at the spa, so girls in tow Mama June hits the town.

But what's Shugie up to this whole time? Dippin'? NO, the patriarch of this unique American family is off getting sized for a tuxedo. And, as is pretty much always the case with this guy, the operation is quick and painless. He tries on and is fitted for a tuxedo; now he has a tuxedo. Later he gets a reasonable haircut, alongside his once-lifely nail trimming. All done. Marry me, Sugar Bear, I love your efficiency!

Rounding out the wedding prep, Mama and Shugie both sat down to write their own vows. We'll find out next week exactly what they wrote, but for now we at least know the latter was given some insight by Alana. "Why don't you pull up that cement block and sit with me?" the guy asked, before Alana offered a lengthy series of thoughts he might include. I think they mostly had to do with trains and wrestling? Still -- sweet. Please forgive my excitement at hearing these vows at the commitment ceremony next week.