Meet Bennett. Bennett is a dog. He is also brilliant. When his owner says, "I'm parched," Bennett rushes to the fridge, opens it up, grabs a beer with his obedient dog-mouth, closes the fridge, and scuttles back to his owner, beer at the ready. This dog has won this internet. The internet can stop now. In the immortal words of Gordon Ramsey (JK, I hate that guy – I meant Liz Lemon): "SHUT IT DOWN." I mean, I can't convince my human, 31-year-old roommate not to hurl her Doctor Pepper bottles to the floor upon completion and there is a dog that exists in the world who is ready willing and able to get me wasted? LYFE. Y U NO FARE?
If a dog can be taught to do this, think about the other things it might be capable of learning. If a dog can get a beer from the fridge, it's only a matter of time and patience and before you know it, you've got a dog who can make you a quiche, do your taxes, perform perfectly decent, discount, Swedish massage. If you were an evil wizard, I am almost 90% sure you could instruct your dog in black magic. Serious question: Why don't more evil villains train dogs to do their bidding? I know it's pretty common for them to have cats, but let's be real: cats are not going to willingly follow the instructions of any human, not even the most evil of wizards.
Man, see, this is why I should really just quit all of my jobs and spend my waking hours instructing my roommate's dog in the dark arts. The next time she leaves a Doctor Pepper bottle on the ground, Ody, her black lab, will levitate her using the power of his mind and cause her to writhe in agony or my name isn't Rebecca Severus Stokes! It isn't, but, you know, that was a joke about how I am an evil wizard. Whatever.
Image: Josh Ace/YouTube