The 2013 Emmys Pretty Much Sucked, But These 14 Hilarious Quotes From the Night Made Us Laugh

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The Emmys are like a blender to the soul, aren't they? We're still coping with some of the results, but a more positive person would say, "You know what? Award show upsets keep things spicy." We'll give you that, Captain Optimism. Instead of dwelling on the Jim Parsons win, why don't we address some of the verbal highlights of the evening? Luckily for us, celebrities say some hilarious, strange, and downright heartwarming things. Check 'em out.

The Emmys are like a blender to the soul, aren't they? We're still coping with some of the results, but a more positive person would say, "You know what? Award show upsets keep things spicy." We'll give you that, Captain Optimism. Instead of dwelling on the Jim Parsons win, why don't we address some of the verbal highlights of the evening? Luckily for us, celebrities say some hilarious, strange, and downright heartwarming things. Check 'em out.

"I have six tubes of [Crest], I bathe in toothpaste!"— Ryan Seacrest's skin care tips to Modern Family's Eric Stonestreet.

I know Seacrest is a busy guy, but I wouldn't be mad if he started up a skincare line. A toothpaste-based skincare line. 

"It gets some air." — Orange Is the New Black's Taylor Schilling regarding the severe slit in her dress.

You say "TMI"? We say, "Way to live truthfully, Tay Schill!"

"I'm wearing that, uh, stop staring I got it online for 60 bucks but doesn't look it just as good as anything fancy or expensive?" — Sarah Silverman describing her dress on the red carpet. 

Why fork over an inordinate amount of dough when you can stay in the double-digit price range for an LBD? And why not be proud of said bargain?

The Jim Parsons & Michael Douglas red carpet exchange:

Michael Douglas: "You are so good." 

Jim Parsons: "You are so kind." 

Michael Douglas: "No I'm not" 

Jim Parsons: "You're not mean." 

Me: "asfopaewiorkasdasjidjiad ADORABLE."

"Seacrest out, Danes in." — Lena Dunham regarding Claire Danes creeping in on Dunham's interview with Ryan Seacrest.

Oh, did you know that Lena Dunham and Claire Danes are, like BFFs? We sure weren't prepped for that reveal. Ugh, they must have the coolest times. 

"I tried to work at the Gap, but I couldn't fold." — Giuliana Rancic to Connie Britton.

She's kidding, right? Right? Right.

Neil Patrick Harris: "I'm not gonna [twerk], it would be degrading."  

Amy Poehler: "It might be degrading, but we would be de-grateful."

Slam dunk.

Jimmy Kimmel: "Not only isn't laughter the best medicine, you could choke on something while you're laughing and die."

Sofia Vergara: "You could be dead."

"His program aired in England, and I was keenly aware of his enormous talent and his impact on the musical world, and my dress sense, of course.  What I was not aware of until years later was his lifestyle… Yeah, right."— Elton John about Liberace.

All said while wearing a blue, sparkly blazer and matching sunglasses, naturally.

"We're completely live, so I'm really going to try to not say 'vagina' on teeee-veeee!"— Sarah Silverman during the mid-show song and dance number.

Sometimes, a lady can't help it. 

"I know what you're going through.  The shakes, the cold sweats, telling your family you're going out drinking, when really, you're going to host a bake sale at a church. You don't believe this, but you can have a rich and fulfilling life without hosting." — Arsenio Hall to Neil Patrick Harris during the intervention for his Excessive Host Disorder. 

We need more information regarding the Ryan Seacrest Center for Excessive Host Disorder. For example, what kind of snacks do they serve?

"Matt, this is a two-hander.  And you're only as good as your other hand." — Michael Douglas to Matt Damon during his Liberace acceptance speech.

Womp womp.

"The idea of getting to see Tina, in any form, is always nice, because the only way we see each other now is when we work." — Amy Poehler, hinting at a possible Golden Globes reunion with Tina Fey.

Come on, television gods. You know what you have to do.

"I wanna thank my mom for not worrying about me and believing that I'd be okay." — Stephen Colbert during his Colbert Report acceptance speech. 

If that isn't the sweetest line of the night, I will burn my laptop in the public square.