Vacuum Therapy Buttocks Enhancement by Sculpting Goddess in Miami Uses Actual Vacuums to Make Your Butt Bigger — Wait, What?
If you crave a Jennifer Lopez-esque derrière but are way too lazy to do all those annoying squats, a business in Miami has the next best thing for you. Sculpting Goddess is now offering vacuum-therapy "buttocks enhancement," which is pretty much just a fancy expression for having a stranger apply suction cups to your butt. What will Miami come up with next?
The procedure costs $60 and lasts 45 minutes. According to the Sculpting Goddess website, vacuum-therapy "break(s) down cellulite and fatty deposits, eliminating toxins." The procedure also "restore(s) the skin's natural elasticity" and "raises, enlargens (?) and reaffirms the gluteus, [softens] skin for those with butt shots [and] decrease muscle tension." Ah, nothing like made-up words to make you feel like you're in the hands of a professional.
But what if Sculpting Goddess actually delivers all the results it promises (which is doubtful)? Really, all you have to do is lay there and chill for close to an hour while an actual vacuum does its work and transforms you into Kim Kardashian. No details on how many of these buttocks enhancement sessions you'll need to get on the cover of Paper Magazine (yes, I went there), but hey, if you have $60 and 45 minutes to kill, who knows? It could be worth a shot.
If you still need convincing that this is the silliest thing ever, just take a look for yourself:
See? I told you it looks silly.