'Hello Ladies' Recap: Follow-Up Texts Make You A Stalker and Other Things We Learned About Dating on Sunday Night

Stuart got not one, but two dates with Annie (Lindsey Broad, The Office) on Sunday night's Hello Ladies. The couple enjoy a shmansy dinner and, despite some weird charades with the pricey menu, she’s still excited to be on a date with him. Fast-forward to the second date: mini-golf. Annie’s constant texting makes Stuart suspicious. So he makes the only logical move: He spies on her to see if she’s with another guy. She’s not and she spots him immediately, but by some miracle, she gives him another chance. But once Stuart reveals he's scanned her texts, that’s grounds for dismissal. 

THE GREAT

  • Jenny Slate plays Amelia Gordon, a successful actress/Jessica's frenemy juuust different enough from the writer she played opposite Lena Dunham on Girls named Tally Schifrin. Amelia taunts Jessica about not getting work and shoves her movie project with Leonardo DiCaprio in Jessica’s face. 
  • After Wade falls in the shower and bangs his head, he realizes no one would have been there to save him if things went south. Solution: He implements a safety text messaging system so that his inner circle, made up of random co-workers he invited, can be assured everyone still has a pulse as long as the AG (all good) texts keep coming from all parties.
  • The ultimate life lesson comes from Stuart’s employee Rory (Kyle Mooney, SNL). “Chicks are one of life’s greatest mysteries — them and plants,” he says. Word.

COULD HAVE DONE WITHOUT, THANK YOU

  • The midnight dick pic from Kives. That’s just something you can’t unsee.
  • Annie’s illogical dealbreaker. If she was willing to go on a chaperoned date with the man who stalked her from outside a window, why is the fact that he looked at her unlocked iPhone not okay?

NOW FOR THE RULES OF DATING, ACCORDING TO STUART PRITCHARD

At the yoga studio:

  1. If you’re a girl, wear your engagement ring to signal you’re off-limits. Otherwise, “You’re wasting everyone’s time.”
  2. Watch out for sliding doors.

 

On the phone:

  1. You’ve got to seem like you’re too busy to call. 
  2. Before the first date: In a text you need to a ) express knowledge of the recipient’s job, b) show off your wordplay talent, c) mention something your crush mentioned, and d) include cheeky reference to where you’re from.
  3. For the first text after the first date: a )Try to sexualize it, b) add the logistics, and c) save it in drafts until lunch.

Out at dinner:

  1. When your date arrives late, fumble with a breadstick and announce you have e-mails. Slick.  
  2. Choosing a wine bottle: $15 to $18 is a solid price range. If your date orders an $80 bottle of Sancerre, corner the waiter privately. Demand that he pretend he’s sold out. When he does this, scold him.

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