'Royal Pains,' As Told By Summer Cocktails

There's a lot to love about Royal Pains (the breezy soundtrack; the brother banter) and very little to think about (....................) which can sometimes make responding to individual episodes difficult. That one patient was maybe going to die but then thanks to Hank they did not! The open house turned out to be a great success! What can we say except, "yes, that happened," before looking into the distance or pretending to get a call on our phone, effectively ending this rec

Okay, I'm back! What I was trying to say is: some stuff happened this week, different plot lines on a dramatic spectrum between "oh" and "oh, interesting," and we've got to find some way to bring it all to recapping life. But how to do it? It hit me after my third Appletini, about ten minutes ago: let's grade each of this week's plots as though they were refreshing summer drinks. Some are sweet and designed for poolside sipping; others you want to roll out a beach blanket for. In the end, they will ALL get you drunk.

PLOT: Heritage Health wants to buy HankMed

DRINK: Rum Punch

Laura Berlanti makes her entrance as Shelby Summerland (or so I noted), the head of the new-in-town Heritage Health Systems. Immediately she tells Hank that they'd like to purchase his little medical organization. She's from the South, we learn, and seems like a sweet and straightforward lady. But isn't that the rub? Like the rum punch, she presents a sugary and smooth front -- perfect for masking the alcohol content that will eventually knock you the eff out. Which I'm guessing she'll do a few episodes from now, when she reveals her true intention to crush HankMed. But we'll have a blast before then!

PLOT: Open house to win over the neighbors

DRINK: Arnold Palmer

And not even the alcoholic kind (which is called a "John Daly")! In an effort to win over the neighbors they've never actually met, Evan and Hank throw an effortless open house. There's a moment where Frances Conroy's Ms. Ballard tries to turn the crowd against Hank & Co., but it amounts to nothing more than a hiccup. Things go exactly as you'd expect, the same as mixing lemonade and iced tea.

PLOT: Turns out Dmitri may be Boris' blood relative

DRINK: Mojito

Royal Pains becomes an espionage thriller for about 90 seconds when Hank discovers that Dmitri may actually be related to the deceased (murdered?) Boris...which is quickly confirmed as true by a blood and DNA test. Easy access to medical equipment has its advantages! Similarly, the mojito offers a perfectly fine though nowhere-near-as-exotic-as-its-name would suggest cocktail experience. Even among summer cocktails, it's the kind of drink you only order on vacation and then remember it's really not to your taste, anyway. Let's just go back to G&Ts?

PLOT: Divya copes with her new pregnancy

DRINK: Pimm's Cup

She's British, right, at least colonially speaking? But more thematically appropriate, the original Pimm's Cup recipe actually remains a secret known by only six people in the world. That's four more than know about Divya's pregnancy! (Or two more, if you count the OB/GYN and the insurance rep Divya spoke to on the phone last week.) The Pimm's Cup also offers a very low alcohol content, perfect for mothers-to-be.

PLOT: After a chance car accident with his daughter, Hank treats a cop suffering from debilitating ulcers

DRINK: Beer

Does what it's supposed to do.

How about you guys? Any different drinks come to mind for what you watched last night? What would your life look like as a summer cocktail, tropical or otherwise? Next week we're evaluating the episode's plots through the lens of linen thread counts.