'Reign' Goes from a Love Triangle to a Love…Square in "Kissed"

Reign is essentially a high school drama set against the backdrop of the French court during the 16th century and this week's episode, "Kissed," was the one where a hot new boy (Portuguese prince) transfers to Mary's school (the French court) and asks her to the dance (marry him) because her crush, Francis, isn't asking her out (walking down the aisle and uniting their kingdoms).

Are you ready for, like, all of the hot gossip? Totes? Let's go.

Greer is Totally Crushing on Tomas, the kind-of-prince of Portugal

At the beginning of the episode, Mary and her ladies in waiting sit around on a picturesque knoll of grass and gossip about their first (or best, for the sluttiest among them) kisses. When it comes Greer's turn to dish about her kissing, she says her first kiss… is going to happen very soon. Aww! I'm not sure if the wardrobe department is trying to make a statement by dressing Greer in the most revealing gown of the group, but I kind of love that ample cleavage doesn't equal slutastic in the Reign universe. It may be unintentional, but I'm going to give it to them anyway.

During this little gossip sesh, Greer reveals that she has her sights set on the visiting Tomas for her first kiss. Tomas is the son of the king of Portugal, but since he's a bastard child, non-royal Greer thinks she has a chance. The rest of the girls seem skeptical, but bite their tongues. It feels a little like Greer is the school nerd and she's trying to land a prom date with the second string quarterback. I say give the girl a break and let her go for her QB, but unfortunately, the ladies turn out to be all too right. What do I know about romance in the 1500s?

Tomas Falls for Mary (Literally)

So get ready for the prettier, richer, more popular friend to swoop in and steal backup QB from Greer — even though she's already kind of talking to the first string quarterback (Dauphin), Francis. Okay, I'll take a little break from the high school analogies to fill you in on what actually happened.

While Greer is on a romantic stroll with Tomas, they come across Mary, who is up in a tree, retrieving the young prince's ball that was caught in the branches. She hits Tomas in the head with the ball when she throws it down, some playful banter is exchanged and then she falls while climbing down and lands right on top of him (though props to The CW for foregoing the cliche, face-to-face landing). When he falls to the forest floor, he falls for Mary and her wild ways and begins aggressively pursuing her. Sorry, Greer.

The Proposal (Like, Whoa)

After knowing Mary for roughly a day, Tomas proposes to her and offers Portugal's support for the skirmishes currently brewing back in her homeland, Scotland. Since the French king has completely rejected Mary's request for men to help her people, she has to take this arrangement pretty seriously (because on top of being a lovestruck teen, she's also the queen of a nation and has to put her people's needs ahead of her lusting lady parts). The ante is upped when Tomas reveals that his father is in the process of having him recognized as a legitimate son so that he can inherit the throne, making him a worthy suitor for a queen.

Mary goes to have a chat with Francis that goes something like this (I'm paraphrasing):

Mary: So, hey, is your dad still being a dick and refusing to help my country even though we're allies and stuff?

Francis: Yeah, pretty much.

Mary: And you're still not going to marry me even though we've been betrothed forever and I yearn for you daily?

Francis: Oh yeah, definitely not.

Mary: Okay, well, that totes sucks. Now I think I have to marry that Tomas guy from Portugal. You're way dreamier and I love being in France and all, but he said he'd send some of his army to help my country.

Francis: Bummer. I'll talk to my dad again.

Fighting Francis

Francis legitimately goes all out to get the men Mary has requested to help Scotland, even going so far as to wager the whole deal on a sparring match with his father, the king. When Francis wins, the king congratulates him and then quickly explains that he's still going to do whatever he wants because he's king (there's an inferred "nana nana boo boo" in the conversation).

Eventually, when it's clear that he stands to lose Mary, Francis blackmails the king to get his way, threatening to out his most recent affair and generally make his life miserable by sticking the Mrs. on him. The king applauds this crafty warfare and agrees to send the men. He tells Francis to send the fastest rider (who happens to be his bastard brother, Bash) with the news. Mary is SOOOOO happy that she gets to stay in France and maybe marry Francis instead of going to Portugal to definitely marry Tomas.

Like, Uh Oh

When Bash is injured delivering the news, everything is set way back. Francis is upset with himself for pushing for the whole thing and just when you think he's going to yell at Mary, he kisses her. It's just like in She's All That, only with less scheming. Unfortunately for Mary, the bliss is short-lived; Francis tells her she should totally go to prom with, erm, I mean, marry, Tomas.

Tune in next week to find out what happens next on The Young and the Reignless.

Image: The CW