If Candidate's Campaign Slogans Were Honest, Rand Paul's Would Look A Little Something Like This
With the 2016 presidential field slowly filling out on both the Republican and Democratic sides — although the former is looking a hell of a lot bigger than the latter — it's only natural that your campaign season enthusiasms may be piqued. After all, you only get one of these things every four years, and if you're dealing with a would-be two-term president, you only get this sort of all-challenger free-for-all every eight years. So, why not have a little fun with it? In that spirit, here are what 12 presidential candidates' campaign slogans should really be, because sometimes campaigns don't have the courage to be straightforward with the American people.
At present, there are 10 Republicans vying for the top job, and four Democrats. The Democratic field isn't expected to get too much bigger — former Virginia senator Jim Webb is one of the only remaining question marks, at least that's the prevailing perception — but the Republican field is widely expected to swell to 17 or 18 people before it's all said and done. So, how would these high-profile people (for the purposes of argument, I'll consider Lincoln Chafee a "high-profile person" here) sell their campaigns to you if they were a little less cautious and a little more freewheeling? Here are some examples that spring to mind.
After his downright embarrassing comments on climate change, comparing the overwhelming consensus in the scientific community to "flat-earthers," Cruz could punch up an old Lee Greenwood lyric: "I'm proud to be ahistorical, cuz at least I know I'm me."
After Paul confirmed to Business Insider in 2013 that he cuts his own hair — a daring risk for an up-and-coming politico — the ostensible lover of small government's slogan practically writes itself: "If you like this hair, wait til you see my budget."
Clinton's expression here pretty much tells the tale better than words can. The seemingly dominant Democratic frontrunner's ideal campaign slogan is one of the more obvious ones: "Nice vote you got there. It'd be a shame if you threw it away, huh?"
One word: "oops." Preferably with three fingers raised in defiance. It's worth noting that Perry's campaign had some fun with this infamous moment after it happened, and hey, why not? What else can you do?
Given her tenure as CEO of Hewlett Packard, which was widely regarded as unsuccessful, and her lack of political experience at any level, Fiorina's slogan would appeal to the gambler in all of us: "Roll Them Bones."
While Jeb might need to distance himself from his brother's tenure — or maybe not, considering people seem to be forgetting how disastrous it truly was — his role as a member of a powerhouse political family can't be ignored. So, how about this: "The name so nice, you chose it thrice!"
Unlike fellow Senator Ted Cruz, who stopped listening to classic rock after 9/11 because it wasn't patriotic enough, Rubio doesn't let politics dictate his jams — the Florida Republican reportedly loves N.W.A. and Tupac. In fact, that'd be a decent slogan: "Ask me about N.W.A. — but not what it means."
As anyone who's ever listened to the impassioned, populist rhetoric flowing from the lips of this proud, unapologetic socialist firebrand knows, there's only one way to describe Bernie Sanders: "Sexual magnetism, personified."
Formerly a renowned neurosurgeon (really, he was one of the very best), and now a conservative pseudo-celebrity mounting a presidential run, Carson's not-ready-for-primetime history makes this one pretty obvious: "Better with brains than with campaigns."
Last, but not... well, okay, by the likelihood of any of these people actually becoming President, Chafee is least. You might notice how all the other images in this list are simply that — embedded photos — while this one makes use of a tweet from the Los Angeles Times. You know why? Because when you run a Getty Images search for "Lincoln Chafee," exactly zero photos pop up.
While it might be a little rude to be this blunt, there can really only be one slogan for Chafee's campaign: "Hey gang! I will never be President."
Considering the former Arkansas governor decided to stand behind scandalized reality TV star Josh Duggar and his family, after the former's admitted history of child molestation became public — a position which yields literally no political benefit, and nakedly obvious detriments — Huckabee's slogan should really reflect his loyalty to past supporters: "Vote for me, and you got a friend for life."
Images: Getty Images (11)