How To Find A Declaration Of Independence

Fourth of July weekend is officially upon us. All over the country, sounds of fireworks blasting, beer bottles clinking, and burgers sizzling on the grill fill the air. But some of us have another mission at hand. Some of us want to take advantage of the patriotic and historic spirit gathering steam, harness it, and turn it into the greatest American antique score, ever: I'm talking about looking for the Declaration of Independence.

Now before you start thinking I'm a total nut for having this goal, let me assure you that finding the Declaration of Independence is not an unprecedented real life event. In 1991, The New York Times reported a story about a person who purchased an original first printing of the Declaration of Independence. The cost of this find? Four bucks. The document was inside a picture frame that collector David Redden purchased at a Pennsylvania flea market in 1898. The estimated worth of the document he found in the frame? Between $800,000 and one million big ones. So, if it can happen to David it can happen to any of us, and I want to be sure that it does. With bit of sleuth and some good old fashioned American magic, here is how we can land ourselves our own sweet little piece of history.

Immediately Move To New England

If we're serious about this, and I think we are, we need to really commit and get our treasure-seeking heinies to New England ASAP and by any means necessary. All the good Founding Fathers' junk is bound to be there.

Purchase X-Ray Glasses

It's just going to make finding hidden stuff a lot easier.

Look For The Most Hideous Junk

I just get the feeling that the Declaration of Independence is lurking in some ugly old desk or a terrifying old painting. Plus, the only way this whole thing will be cool is if we get it for super cheap, and nice antiques aren't cheap.

Scope Out Sellers Who Look Like They Just Want Cash

We gotta keep a sharp eye for people who seem not to give a hoot about the cool stuff they have, they're just looking to make a few bucks before the weekend. Anyone who was really invested in their stuff would have found the precious document by now.

Get The Eff Out When You Have The Goods

Once we're pretty sure we have some old piece of junk that is the vessel for our Declaration, we need to leave, like now, before people get wise.

Break Open The Bubbly

We're gonna be rich and famous, y'all!

Stay AWAY From Nic Cage

Because dude already had his chance.

Images: Giphy (7)