No Thank You, Justin Bieber

Ladies, Justin Bieber's got a new perfume ad out and, boy, is it a doozie. In support of his new Justin-time for Christmas fragrance, The Key, Bieber stars in a new YouTube movie about his perfume unlocking some unlucky girl's dreams and wishes. This perfume ad is the teaser for the movie, which is also (you guessed it) an ad.

But let's get ourselves in the right mood to watch this masterpiece. Close your eyes and think about your wildest fantasy. Perhaps it's winning a top industry award or solving political conundrums with Olivia Pope. Perhaps it involves Michael Fassbender or Idris Elba. (Hey, at least one of them's got to.) I'll wager it does not involve Justin Bieber giving you the key to his heart in a perfume bottle you had to buy yourself before he wakes up in a cold sweat while dreaming about you, now does it?

Bieber is now a name synonymous with peeing in mop buckets, going Alec Baldwin on paparazzi, and spitting off hotel balconies. Dreamy, ain't he? So it's no wonder that when he releases a commercial all about how badly we must want to have him as our very own main squeeze, the immediate reaction is eye-rolling. As in major disapproval. Deal with it, Beliebers.

1. You can buy the key to his heart!

OMG. Only you and millions of other girls with access to Target or Macy's will have a true connection to the Biebs. How special.

2. And the key gets you unlimited candy fights!

Isn't that the hallmark of romance? Sitting in a room filled with the remnants of a Katy Perry video while you giggle and Bieber takes the opportunity to suffocate you with whipped cream?

3. He sleeps in nothing but tattoos and chains!

Ouch. Also yuck. Maybe after one of those candy fights you should buy him some pajamas. That is, if you have any money left after buying this scented deal with the devil.

4. When he's thinking about you, he'll make his "selfie face."

Also known as the "I'm not quite sure, but I probably need to poop right now" face.

5. You can sleep with a key in your hand because that's how the voodoo of this whole perfume deal works.

Just make sure you hold on tight, or all that picturesque candy fighting is going to include you with a key-shaped dent on your cheek.

In conclusion, we see what you're doing, Bieber, and it's a smart marketing strategy. But we're smarter.

Image: Youtube