There's lots of advice out there about how to solve sexual problems, but that's not the most positive way to look at improving your sex life. Rather than figure out what's wrong with your sex life and try to fix it, why not see all the ways it's great and try to make it even better? The more you see the positive, the more it'll grow. And even if you're already happy with your sex life, there's no harm in adding even more positive things to it.
"If you're closing your eyes going 'this is good,' you can train your body to call a situation good," sex educator Lucia Paxton tells Bustle. "If you're calling the situation good, your sex life gets much easier. Pleasure is subjective. It's our minds telling us 'this feels good and bad.' So if you can feel anything, I would call it good because guess what? You're feeling. And from that place of good, that can only get better. That's the fun part. You're always going to be in that state of being open to what's next and the possibilities."
So, how can you make your already good sex life even better? Here are some tips from sex experts.
1. Drag Out The Anticipation
Before even touching each other's genitals, spend time getting warmed up so that you're dying for sex by the time it happens. "Take the time to touch, kiss, and connect with your partner," Dr. Stephanie Buehler, psychologist and sex therapist at the Hoag for Her Center for Wellness, tells Bustle. "Make foreplay last and give yourself time to produce enough lubrication to make sex even more pleasurable and enjoyable."
2. Share A Fantasy
"People have difficulty saying what they like, how they want to be approached, and when they want to be approached," says Buehler. "As you become more comfortable with the topic, these conversations will eventually give way to more intimate discussions on what you do and do not enjoy. This talk should be a two-way street, so you can both gain an understanding of what works — and what doesn’t." If you're not sure where to start, share a fantasy of yours or something you saw in porn that turned you on.
3. Use Lube
Lube both increases pleasure and decreases irritation by reducing friction, and it's not just for people who have trouble getting wet — it's for everyone, says psychologist and sex therapist Linda Baggett, PhD. "Some people feel stigma about using lubrication because they feel a lack of lubrication may mean a lack of sexual arousal," she says. "However, this is not the case and there are many, many reasons why there may not be as much lubrication as you’d like that have nothing to do with how aroused a person is. Dehydration, alcohol, medication side effects, and aging, to name a few." The only thing to avoid is oil-based lube if you're using latex condoms or other barriers, says Baggett.
4. Cultivate Mindfulness
The more mindful you are of your surroundings, the more intense everything will be, including sex. You can build mindfulness by meditation or just making a conscious effort to pay attention to whatever's happening in the moment. "Prevent possible distractions, center yourself before sex, and really focus in on all your senses," Baggett says. "If your mind wanders, which will happen because that’s how minds work, just notice it and bring your attention back to what you are feeling, seeing, hearing, tasting, and smelling."
5. Use Sex Toys
6. Plan It Out
"People think somehow that spontaneity makes sex better," says Paxton. "But we weren't born with a manual on sex education. To get from good to better, it requires that we say what it is that we want first." Talk to your partner about your fantasies, desires, and anything you're curious about, and come up with a plan together for making those things happen.
7. Give Positive Feedback
The more you acknowledge the enjoyable sensations you're feeling, the more you'll feel them. Paxton recommends giving your partner feedback like "Hey babe, I love the way your tongue feels on my clitoris. Would you use a slower stroke?" That way, both of you feel good about what's already happening and they know how to make it even better.
"It doesn't matter where you are on the spectrum of sexual experiences," says Paxton. "No matter where you are at, you can just call it good. Often, we're so goal-oriented that we forget the fun. So call it fun. Have fun doing it and relinquish the goal."