9 Early Signs A Relationship Won't Last Long-Term, According To Experts

Share
Ad failed to load

When you're in the beginning stages of a brand new relationship, it's easy to get swept up in how amazing everything feels — after all, it's not called the 'honeymoon phase' for nothing. But if your goal is long-term love, it's important to be able to view your new partner without rose-colored glasses, and be aware of the early signs the relationship won't last long-term. Yes, relationships tend to get stronger and deeper over time, and a slightly rocky beginning doesn't necessarily spell doom for the relationship. That being said, it's unwise to sweep red flags under the rug, because often, the beginning of a relationship reveals a lot about how things will play out in the long run.

"If you want to know how a story ends, look at how it begins," Shirley Johnson, a psychotherapist who specializes in helping women build self-confidence and heal co-dependent tendencies, tells Bustle. "What is most important in the early parts of the relationship [is] to actually be realistic about what one is experiencing. Paying attention to what is going wonderfully, and what is actually not working... When being aware of what is going on in a relationship, even of something painful, there is way more of a chance to actually address and possibly heal the issue and create a long-term relationship."

It might feel like you're being overly cynical if you're actively looking out for red flags in a new relationship, but you're actually much better off if you notice something that has you questioning the future of your relationship early on: that way, you'll have a chance to address it before any resentment builds or you waste more of your precious time. If you want to make sure that your new boo has real potential. Here are nine signs that could indicate your new partner isn't long-term love material.

Ad failed to load

1You *Only* Feel Passion/Lust

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

In the honeymoon phase, it's totally normal to get swept up in a passionate whirlwind of lust, and feel like you can't get enough of your new partner. But if you feel like your relationship is based solely on this intense, passionate, gotta-have-them feeling, and there's not a lot else you have in common, that's a sign that things won't last when the sexy vibes fizzle out.

"The major indicator that a relationship may not last is when there is only passionate love," Beverly B. Palmer, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Expert, tells Bustle. "If the emotional high from the passion is the only thing holding you and your partner together, the relationship is at risk. If you 'fell head over heels in love' you can just as easily fall out of love... Holding on to your partner as the passionate love diminishes, when there is no other glue in the relationship, doesn’t work of course, because the tighter you hold, the more slippery your partner becomes. If you have common interests and empathic communication, that is the glue that can hold a relationship together even after the passion wanes."

2You Feel Like You Can't Fully Be Yourself

Ashley Batz/Bustle

For a relationship to last long-term, it's so important to feel like you can always be your genuine, authentic self around your partner. If you just started dating, it might take a bit for you to open up, and that's OK — but if you find yourself walking on eggshells lest you slip up and reveal part of yourself you don't want to share with your partner, that's unsustainable in the long run.

"If you can't be your full self in the beginning of a relationship, it can be a sign that you feel like there is a part of you that isn't appropriate for the relationship," Johnson says. "When we leave out any authentic part of our self — whether it be [an] angry part, depressed part, [or] kinky part — then we are setting up the relationship to stay on the surface, which will not support long-term potential."

3Your Partner Communicates Infrequently

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

Every couple has different standards for how much or little they communicate with each other, but in the beginning of a relationship, it doesn't bode well for the future if you feel like your partner doesn't prioritize you, and communicates less frequently than you'd like.

"While almost everyone can easily say that they are busy, when you find that someone isn’t being responsive early on in the relationship, it might be a sign that they don’t prioritize you, or relationships in general," Erika Boissiere, LMFT and Founder of The Relationship Institute of San Francisco, tells Bustle. "There are no hard rules on how 'responsive' someone needs to be, and it’s equally important to be patient. However, remember, don’t be overly patient with someone who will end up wasting your time."

Ad failed to load

4You Don't Like Their Friends

Fotolia

The company we keep says a lot about who we are, and if you realize early on that you can't stand your partner's friends, that could indicate that you're not really compatible long-term.

"[Not liking your partner's friends] is a huge indicator that the relationship might be headed for troubled waters," Boissiere says. "The bottom line is that we chose our friends, and often times, we chose people that are similar to us in some way. If you find that you don’t like their friends, be aware that your newest love might have some qualities in some of those friendships you don’t like."

5You Notice Your Partner Adopting All Your Interests

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

In any long-term relationship, both partners need to be independent to some degree, and have their own unique interests and hobbies that are separate from their partner. If you notice that your new partner immediately tries to adopt all the same interests as you, that could be a red flag that they'll be too dependent on you for their happiness in the future.

"We find partners that are similar to us, and also, we look for those who are different from us," Boissiere says. "Be on the lookout that when your beau suddenly transforms into all your likes and dislikes, this might be a red flag. You love opera? Suddenly they do as well. You love dogs? What do you know, suddenly they have a puppy. You like swing dancing? They’ve enrolled in five classes. When the twinship is too strong, the other partner often gets bored or suspicious of the other partner’s motive. After all, we like people for their own uniqueness, not our identical match."

6Your Feel Like Your Opinion Isn't Valued

Ashley Batz/Bustle

The foundation for any healthy long-term relationship is mutual respect, which means that both partner's opinions are equally valued in any given situation. If you get the sense (whether subtle or not) that your partner values their own opinion above yours, that's a sign they won't make a great partner long-term.

"Sometimes this feels good at the beginning — maybe they always choose the restaurant, or what day and time to meet," Amy McManus, LMFT, Relationship Expert, and Owner of Thrive Therapy, tells Bustle. "It can feel like you are really being taken care of; you don’t have to do any of the 'work' of dating. But does their monopoly extend to the topic of conversations, who you spend time with, or even opinions on current events? If your opinion is discounted or ignored, pay attention to this red flag."

Ad failed to load

7You Accept Their Faults, But They Don't Accept Yours

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

The longer you're with someone, the better you'll get to know the 'real' them — which includes getting acquainted with each other's faults and quirks. If your new partner has an issue with some of your less-than-perfect qualities, but expects you to totally accept them with no questions asked, that doesn't bode well for your romantic future together.

"If the other person expects you to be forgiving and accepting of their faults but they are not forgiving or accepting of yours, this is not reasonable," Susan Golicic, Ph.D., Certified Relationship Coach & Co-founder of Uninhibited Wellness, tells Bustle. "No one is perfect, and we all have faults that need to be accepted. If you are going to be there for them, they need to be there for you as well."

8They Treat Others Poorly

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

In a new relationship, everyone is going to be on their very best behavior, which means that you should really pay attention to how your partner treats not just you, but those around him or her — because chances are that's how they'll treat you one day, too.

"Early in a relationship, people treat their partners great, because both parties are in love," David Bennett, Certified Counselor, Relationship Expert, and Owner of The Popular Man and The Popular Teen, tells Bustle. "However, look at how your partner treats others — their family, friends, and particularly service staff, like cashiers and waiters. Eventually, when the love fades, they'll treat you this way, guaranteed."

9They're Still Stuck On An Ex

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

It should go without saying, but if your new partner seems to still be stuck on an ex — even if all they do is talk badly about him or her — that's a major red flag that they aren't interested in or ready for a long-term future with you.

"Stalking their ex on social media? Getting caught up in drama with the ex? Maybe even daydreaming about them? These are all very bad signs," Bennett says. "This means that their heart truly belongs to their ex. If this is the case, all it will take is one instance where the ex is extra 'nice' or comes back to end the relationship."

At the end of the day, it's up to you (and only you) to decide what your dealbreakers in a new relationship are. As long as you're aware of what you do and don't want in a long-term partner, and are savvy enough to notice any early red flags that your new partner might not be what you want in the long run, there's no reason why you won't have a happy, successful relationship — even if you have to dump a few duds along the way.

Ad failed to load
Must Reads

7 Signs Your Energy Is Closed Off To Love, According To A Psychic

Finding love requires more than just the actions of going on dates or setting up an online dating profile. It also requires opening yourself up to love and giving off the vibe that you're open. You may not even realize it if you're energetically bloc…
By Suzannah Weiss

Bustle's Editors On Ice Dancing + Rihanna

For those of you who had a holiday on President's Day, welcome to the start of the work week! And for everyone who worked yesterday, you're one day closer to the weekend, woo! Today's been a fairly chill day so far — we've got more on the Winter Olym…
By Danielle Colin-Thome

It Took Heather Graham YEARS To Make A Movie About Women Ditching Toxic Men. The Reason? Men.

They say you should write what you know. But in Hollywood, that age-old advice apparently needs an addendum: Write what you know — as long as men are into it. And for actor and newly minted director/screenwriter Heather Graham — a woman who swam thro…
By Kelsea Stahler

Target Just Launched A Gorgeous New Home Brand — And Most Pieces Are Under $30

Design lovers rejoice! Everyone's favorite store for pretty much everything is about to make all your daring decorating dreams come true. Today, Target's corporate blog issued a press release that provides a peek into Target's new homeware line, Opal…
By Callie Tansill-Suddath

17 Brilliant Ways To Support Parkland Survivors Wherever You Are

Following the massacre at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, survivors are demanding Congress take action. A large group of students who survived the shooting are opposing politicians' "thoughts and prayers," arguing that inst…
By Sarah Beauchamp

Here's Where Your Next Trip Should Be, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

If you've been craving a vacation, now is a good time to take the plunge. According to data collected by travel site Expedia, late winters and early spring are pretty much the best times of the year to go on vacation. Based on average airfare ticket …
By Callie Tansill-Suddath

How This Quadriplegic Beauty Lover Beat Cancer & Became A Professional Makeup Artist

In 2010, one day before she was supposed to start cosmetology school, Steph Aiello was involved in a car crash that left her paralyzed from the waist down with limited ability to move her hands and one of her closest friends dead. She would spend the…
By Sara Tan

7 Common Marriage Rules That Aren't Good For Relationships

When it comes to marriage, everyone loves to give their two cents, and with all the warnings and advice floating around out there, no wonder people find marriage intimidating. Luckily, you don't always have to play by the rules, and there's some bad …
By Carina Wolff

The Infuriating Way Hollywood Movie Sets Are Designed To Make Life Harder For Women

Whitney Cummings is fed up — with the way Hollywood treats women, and in particular, the way the it treats female directors who have children. While the entertainment industry may be working hard to get more women behind the camera, Cummings wants to…
By Casey Cipriani

Why Uggs Are Never Going Away, Whether You Like Them Or Not

Uggs. The word alone can conjure up memories of teenage years, regrettable outfits, and undeniable comfort. But if, like me, you thought that you've already said goodbye to those fleece-lined tan boots, you can think again. It seems fashion has adopt…
By Lauren Sharkey

Netflix's New Romantic Movie Will Have You Crying Like It's 'The Fault In Our Stars'

Cancer movies are a heartbreaking staple of Hollywood and have been for decades. It's almost a law of nature: new year, new cancer movie. This year, it's Netflix's Irreplaceable You, a heartbreaking original about a longtime couple who get thrown for…
By Olivia Truffaut-Wong

Here Are All The Terms You Need To Know If You’re Watching Olympic Ski Events Right Now

Every four years the Winter Olympics rolls around to remind me that A) there are so many important Winter Olympic sports, and B) I know virtually nothing any of them. And I know for a fact, I'm not alone, I bet most people don't know what the differe…
By Danielle Colin-Thome

Adam Rippon and Mirai Nagasu Have Matching Tattoos & The Story Is So Cute

Olympic season gives people the feels. From those shipping Canadian ice dancing pair Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir to Shaun White's gold medal win on Tuesday, the feels are real. Now, there's another reason to get all up in your emotions. Adam Rippon a…
By Shea Simmons

A New Study Says Being In A Relationship Could Change Your Taste In Wine — Here's How

I’d be willing to bet that for many of you, a nice bottle of wine is awaiting you in your near future — and if you’re planning on sharing that bottle with a partner, there might be more to your choice than meets the eye: According to recent research,…
By Lucia Peters

Carrie Brownstein On Why Even The Obama Era Should Have Enraged You

An icy January morning soon after Hollywood's show of solidarity for the #MeToo movement at the Golden Globes and almost exactly one year into the Trump Administration feels like a momentous time to be sitting across from Carrie Brownstein. The Sleat…
By Samantha Rollins

Here’s What The Upcoming Year Of The Dog Means For Your Chinese Zodiac Sign

On Feb. 16 the world will celebrate the Chinese New Year, welcoming the Year of the Dog in like the good doggo it is — we hope. A new year means new zodiac predictions for the 365 days ahead. So, what does the Year of the Dog mean for your Chinese zo…
By Brittany Bennett

7 Signs You're Ready To Get Into A Relationship, According To Experts

It can be difficult to tell when you're ready to start dating again. Maybe you're coming off of a bad breakup, maybe you've just been focused on other things. And, ironically, one of the signs that you're ready to be in a relationship is that you're …
By Lea Rose Emery

I Got A Breast Reduction & It Was About So Much More Than The Size Of My Boobs

As a young teenager, I pretty much reached peak physical maturity overnight. One day I was wearing my first training bra a la Lizzie McGuire, and the next I was sweatily fumbling around a Victoria’s Secret with 32DD boobs, trying to summon up the cou…
By Sierra Taylor Horton

This Is, Hands Down, The *Grossest* Thing Babies Do Inside The Womb

Your baby's life in the womb may be safe and warm, but it's also kind of grody. Seriously, the whole process of growing into a human being includes more than a few icky moments along the way. But this is the grossest thing babies do inside the womb b…
via Romper

The 15 Best Fiction Books Of February Feature Tons Of Extraordinary Women

When the cold winds of February blow in, there's nothing I want more than to hide under my covers with a good book. Luckily, there's more than a few fantastic new fiction books coming out this month, so the only tough decision you'll have to make is …
By Melissa Ragsdale

17 Moms Reveal The Most Disgusting Part Of Their Pregnancy

Pregnant bodies do weird-ass things. Weird-ass, gross things. I mean, my pregnant body did (twice), and I have long-suspected I'm not alone. So I asked other moms to share the most disgusting part of their pregnancy and I learned that, not only am I …
via Romper