If You Can’t Agree On These 11 Things, Your Partner Isn't Your Soulmate

Ad failed to load

If you're looking to see if your relationship has staying power, take a second to evaluate your shared values, which experts say might be the key to answering, "Is my partner my soulmate?". Are you and your partner pretty much on the same page when it comes to your beliefs, and where you see yourselves going in life? Or are you constantly arguing and trying to convince each other to change? If you can't ever seem to agree on certain foundational things in your relationship, experts say there's a good chance your partner isn't "The One."

That's not to say, however, that in order to have a long-lasting, loving connection with your partner, you have see eye-to-eye 100 percent of the time. "It is always OK and healthy to have disagreements in a relationship — disagreeing is not a concern but rather the way we disagree that determines the health of the relationship," Kelsey Latimer, PhD, CEDS-S, assistant director at Center for Discovery, tells Bustle. "If we are open to hearing the other person, staying away from bringing up the past, and not labeling the person in the disagreement, then disagreeing can be a sign of health in a relationship and separation between the two people."

But, when it comes to sticking together long-term and cultivating a healthy relationship you will likely want to agree on certain core values. "At the base of the relationship, the most important things to agree on are values and beliefs about life," Latimer says. "It is hard for a relationship to survive differences in these areas." Here are a few things experts say long-term couples should agree on, if they want a healthy, "soulmate" type of relationship.

Ad failed to load

1Basic Core Values

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

Your "core values" are basically what you think of as right and wrong, as well as how you'd like to live your life. And finding a partner who generally feels the same way can make for an easier and happier relationship.

"Having synchronicity and complementary (not necessarily exactly the same) beliefs in these areas is key for long-term success of a relationship," says Latimer. "We might be excited by the novelty of someone who is very different to us and these relationships might be fun for the short-term, but if they have differences in core values, the relationship is unlikely to survive for long."

While pretty much everything can be worked on and improved, it's important to keep an eye out for mismatched core beliefs in your early days of dating. If you spot something major that you just can't agree on, it may be a good idea to go your separate ways.

2What Constitutes An Affair

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

Since everyone defines cheating differently, it'll be important to find a partner who values the same relationship "rules" as you do. "Is it OK to text members of the opposite sex? What about going to dinner with an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend? Having clear lines about what is cheating is necessary for relationship success," licensed marriage and family therapist Dana Koonce tells Bustle.

So have a conversation, as soon as you feel comfortable, about what an affair might look like in your relationship. Does your partner tend to agree? If you're both on the same page, and hold the same values as to what fidelity should look like, then you'll likely have a healthy relationship.

3How To Handle Yourselves During An Argument

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

Arguments and disagreements will come up over the course of your relationship, so you'll want to be with someone who argues in a fair, healthy way. As Keren Eldad, a relationship expert and founder of Date with Enthusiasm says, you should both be able to fight without name calling or "going below the belt."

"The principle for soulmate love is that no argument is for naught," she says. "You argue towards a solution, or towards finding a win-win." Healthy argument styles can be learned and practiced, but take note of your partner's inability to learn or change their ways. If they tend to fight dirty, they might not be the person for you.

Ad failed to load

4Where You'd Like To Live

Hannah Burton/Bustle

Deciding where to live is more about supporting each other, than it is about picking the "perfect" city or town. For example, let's say your partner was offered a really cool job in a city you never imagined yourself living in. "If this person is your soulmate, then being with them will trump the dislike of the city, and you will find yourself eager to go," says Eldad. And, the same should be true for your partner, if you were the one offered the job.

A big move that benefits your partner won't feel like an unfair compromise if the person is your soulmate, Eldad says. It'll feel like something you're happy to do.

So take note of any hesitations you have when it comes to bending for your partner. You should both be willing to meet each other half way, and find compromises when it comes to the big things in life. If you truly don't want to, the relationship may not be meant to be.

5Whether Or Not You'll Have Children

Ashley Batz/Bustle

In the best case scenario, you and your partner will be on the same page when it comes to whether or not you'd like to have kids. If you're with your soulmate, you'll probably see eye-to-eye right off the bat.

But it's also a great sign if you can find a healthy compromise in a situation where you don't agree. If you don't want kids, but your partner does, you might, for example, choose to adopt later in life, or simply take on the role as cool aunt/uncle.

Either way, Eldad says "you will decide together what to do here, there won't be black and white." It's the couples that can't agree that aren't meant to be.

6How To Spend Money

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

It may sound simplistic, but money does play a major role in relationships. "Not who makes what, but rather your general approach to money. Your views on it. This makes a big difference, because like it or not, a lot of our lives revolve around acquiring, spending, saving, investing, lamenting — and worrying about — money," Caleb Backe, a health and wellness coach at Maple Holistics, tells Bustle.

To go through life with a partner who has wildly different views concerning finances can cause a lot of stress — and may even lead to a breakup down the road. So your first step would be to talk about money, and what it means in your relationship. If your partner is soulmate-material, you'll likely be able to reach an agreement. But if not, it may be healthier to spare yourselves from years of fighting.

Ad failed to load

7How You'll Spend Time With Family & Friends

Ashley Batz/Bustle

While your relationship is obviously between you and your partner — and not between them and your parents, or you and their parents — it is important that you get along with the people in each other's lives, to some degree.

"If there is constant tension or fighting between your significant other and your parents, siblings, or bestie, then they are likely not your true soulmate," licensed clinical psychotherapist Erin Wiley tells Bustle. "If you have a partner that cannot at least respect those relationships, there is likely more trouble ahead."

Soulmates are always able to find a way to have each other's backs, even in tough times. And if that means having a family intervention, or going to couples therapy, they'll be willing to do it.

8What Respect Looks Like

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

As with cheating, many people have different definitions when it comes to respect. But making sure you see eye-to-eye with your significant other will be key. "Soulmate relationships have a high level of respect, honesty, and appreciation," relationship counselor Michele Meiche tells Bustle.

If this doesn't seem to be the case for your relationship, or you constantly feel disrespected, having a convo about that with your partner can help. By calling attention to the ways your partner is disrespecting you, you'll be giving them a chance to change their behavior. (Just make sure that they actually do.)

9How To Make The Relationship A Priority

Ashley Batz/Bustle

Individually, you'll each have your own priorities in life, such as career goals, hobbies, etc. But if you're with your soulmate, you'll both be keen on keeping your relationship a priority, too.

"It is very difficult to be in a relationship where there are different priorities," licensed counselor Monte Drenner tells Bustle. "Soulmates will have the relationship as the priority regardless of whatever difficulties that may come to challenge that agreement. The challenges they face together that threaten the priority will actually draw them closer together."

If you find that your priorities seem unbalanced, talk with your partner as soon as you can. It's possible it's just a phase, and one that will pass in due time. But if you constantly feel like your relationship is an afterthought, you may not be in a "soulmate" situation.

Ad failed to load

10How Much Sex Is Enough Sex

Ashley Batz/Bustle

While sex isn't everything in a relationship, it can make for an unfulfilling life if you end up with someone who isn't willing to talk about intimacy. If you have incompatible sex drives, or want different types of sex, it's certainly not a deal breaker. But being unwilling to talk about it, and reach a compromise, usually is.

"Sex in a relationship is as much about communication as it is about physical activity," Joshua Klapow, PhD, Clinical Psychologist and Host of The Web, tells Bustle. "Like it or not, the path to sexual compatibility is through communication. So if you are not willing or able to communicate it means you are not willing to have a sexually compatible relationship."

11What The Future Looks Like

Hannah Burton/Bustle

It's pretty tough to have a long-lasting, healthy relationship if you and your partner can't agree on what the future will look like. Will you get married? Will you move in together? Will you have kids? Are you constantly arguing over all of these things? "Constant conflict is a major sign that you aren’t paired with a person who shares the same beliefs, morals, and goals of a relationship," therapist Dr. Saudia L. Twine, Ph.D., NCC, LLPC, LLMFT tells Bustle.

While you don't have to be identical (and hey, it would be boring if you were) you should be able to reach a compromise and/or eventually agree on a general direction for your life together. If you can't — and you've done everything you can do to meet each other halfway — this may not be the "soulmate" relationship you need.

Ad failed to load
Must Reads

Here's Where Your Next Trip Should Be, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

If you've been craving a vacation, now is a good time to take the plunge. According to data collected by travel site Expedia, late winters and early spring are pretty much the best times of the year to go on vacation. Based on average airfare ticket …
By Callie Tansill-Suddath

Bustle's Editors On Jennifer Aniston + Adam Rippon

We've made it to Friday! It's been a pretty hectic week, and the news that Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux are splitting up might have put a damper on your weekend. But, if like many people you have Monday off, hopefully you can sit back and enjo…
By Rachel Simon

This Timeline Of Justin Theroux & Jennifer Aniston's Relationship Will Break Your Heart All Over Again

Just one day after Valentine's Day, actors Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux announced their breakup after seven years together. The celebrity couple, who were married for two-and-half years, separated quietly at the end of last year. This week, th…
By Priscilla Totiyapungprasert

19 Things Your Parents Told You Were Illegal In The '90s

Kids say — and think — the darnedest things. We have overactive imaginations, adults like to mess with us, and we don't always understand everything we hear. That's why some kids call strawberries "straw babies" — a boo-boo so adorable, you don't eve…
By Megan Grant

Why Uggs Are Never Going Away, Whether You Like Them Or Not

Uggs. The word alone can conjure up memories of teenage years, regrettable outfits, and undeniable comfort. But if, like me, you thought that you've already said goodbye to those fleece-lined tan boots, you can think again. It seems fashion has adopt…
By Lauren Sharkey

I Never Want To Write This Essay Again

I don't know where you were when you heard about Wednesday's high school shooting in Parkland, Florida. I don't know what you were doing, or how you tried to process the news. I do know this: you thought to yourself, not again. And yet, again. Of cou…
By Jenny Hollander

Netflix's New Romantic Movie Will Have You Crying Like It's 'The Fault In Our Stars'

Cancer movies are a heartbreaking staple of Hollywood and have been for decades. It's almost a law of nature: new year, new cancer movie. This year, it's Netflix's Irreplaceable You, a heartbreaking original about a longtime couple who get thrown for…
By Olivia Truffaut-Wong

A Study Suggests Drinking Soda Can Affect Your Fertility — But Don’t Freak Out Just Yet

An awful lot of things can affect fecundability — that is, the probability of conceiving within a single menstrual cycle — but can soda really decrease your chances of getting pregnant? A new study suggests that it might, although it turns out that t…
By Lucia Peters

Here Are All The Terms You Need To Know If You’re Watching Olympic Ski Events Right Now

Every four years the Winter Olympics rolls around to remind me that A) there are so many important Winter Olympic sports, and B) I know virtually nothing any of them. And I know for a fact, I'm not alone, I bet most people don't know what the differe…
By Danielle Colin-Thome

Money Actually CAN Buy Happiness — And Science Figured Out Exactly How Much It Costs

You’ve probably heard the saying “Money can’t buy happiness.” Personally, I’d be more than willing to test out that hypothesis myself, but researchers at Purdue University beat me to it. Researchers found that there is an actual amount of money it ta…
By Katie Mitchell

Kate Middleton Made Sales Of This $1 Secret Accessory Spike & She'll Turn You Into A Believer

There's a royal epidemic going on, people. It's one that causes any and everyone to obsess over the royal family's wardrobe and beauty routines, even if it means breaking the bank to look like them. So a frenzy was expected when Kate Middleton report…
By Summer Arlexis

Adam Rippon and Mirai Nagasu Have Matching Tattoos & The Story Is So Cute

Olympic season gives people the feels. From those shipping Canadian ice dancing pair Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir to Shaun White's gold medal win on Tuesday, the feels are real. Now, there's another reason to get all up in your emotions. Adam Rippon a…
By Shea Simmons

A New Study Says Being In A Relationship Could Change Your Taste In Wine — Here's How

I’d be willing to bet that for many of you, a nice bottle of wine is awaiting you in your near future — and if you’re planning on sharing that bottle with a partner, there might be more to your choice than meets the eye: According to recent research,…
By Lucia Peters

Carrie Brownstein On Why Even The Obama Era Should Have Enraged You

An icy January morning soon after Hollywood's show of solidarity for the #MeToo movement at the Golden Globes and almost exactly one year into the Trump Administration feels like a momentous time to be sitting across from Carrie Brownstein. The Sleat…
By Samantha Rollins

Here’s What The Upcoming Year Of The Dog Means For Your Chinese Zodiac Sign

On Feb. 16 the world will celebrate the Chinese New Year, welcoming the Year of the Dog in like the good doggo it is — we hope. A new year means new zodiac predictions for the 365 days ahead. So, what does the Year of the Dog mean for your Chinese zo…
By Brittany Bennett

7 Signs You're Ready To Get Into A Relationship, According To Experts

It can be difficult to tell when you're ready to start dating again. Maybe you're coming off of a bad breakup, maybe you've just been focused on other things. And, ironically, one of the signs that you're ready to be in a relationship is that you're …
By Lea Rose Emery

I Got A Breast Reduction & It Was About So Much More Than The Size Of My Boobs

As a young teenager, I pretty much reached peak physical maturity overnight. One day I was wearing my first training bra a la Lizzie McGuire, and the next I was sweatily fumbling around a Victoria’s Secret with 32DD boobs, trying to summon up the cou…
By Sierra Taylor Horton

This Is, Hands Down, The *Grossest* Thing Babies Do Inside The Womb

Your baby's life in the womb may be safe and warm, but it's also kind of grody. Seriously, the whole process of growing into a human being includes more than a few icky moments along the way. But this is the grossest thing babies do inside the womb b…
via Romper

The 15 Best Fiction Books Of February Feature Tons Of Extraordinary Women

When the cold winds of February blow in, there's nothing I want more than to hide under my covers with a good book. Luckily, there's more than a few fantastic new fiction books coming out this month, so the only tough decision you'll have to make is …
By Melissa Ragsdale

These 10 Drugstore Red Lipsticks Are Under $10 & Actually *Amazing*

I adore makeup. There are few things I like more than getting myself fancied up in the mornings. It's a little ritual I get to do every day that makes me feel prettier and more put together. When my makeup is on, I'm ready to face the world — pun int…
via Romper

17 Moms Reveal The Most Disgusting Part Of Their Pregnancy

Pregnant bodies do weird-ass things. Weird-ass, gross things. I mean, my pregnant body did (twice), and I have long-suspected I'm not alone. So I asked other moms to share the most disgusting part of their pregnancy and I learned that, not only am I …
via Romper