Should I Fix A Broken Friendship? 7 Signs Your Friend Breakup Was For The Better

Ad failed to load

Three years ago, I went through one of the hardest "breakups" of my life: One of my best friends decided we part ways. I spent the following three years brainstorming ways to get her back — until it occurred to me that maybe, this friend breakup was for the better.

I'd always blamed myself for the falling out. She was, after all, the one who got mad at me. But when I told other people about it, they usually said, "It sounds like you didn't do anything wrong" or "she doesn't sound like the greatest friend anyway." I'd been so wrapped up in trying to fix my own supposed shortcomings, I hadn't seen her's.

I'm not the only one who has pined to get a friend back only to realize that maybe, they didn't want her back after all. "I have personally experienced losing a friend and contemplated reconciling, but what stops me is remembering how I felt around them," Katelyn, 24, tells Bustle. "I constantly felt like they didn’t care (never asking about my life or what was going on), and [they] were constantly speaking ill of others. It felt like I was stuck in a bubble and if I ever tried to leave, they would 'punish' me by not reaching out. It was toxic and not worth going back to, no matter how many good times we had."

Ad failed to load

"I 'broke up' with a friend of 10 years, and although there are times when I miss her and become nostalgic about good times we had together, her frequent self-aggrandizing social media posts convince me that I should not," Victoria, 62, tells Bustle. "I tend to 'hang in there' for too long, which sometimes has a negative impact on me, so I am at peace with my decision NEVER to speak with her again."

Here are some signs that you should also stop plotting to get your friend back and start being glad a toxic friendship is out of your life.

Ad failed to load

1Your Friend Was Distant


We don't put up with dates who ghost us or make us jump through hoops just to get a damn text message (or at least we know we shouldn't). So, why do we put up with friends who do this?

If your friend always put you on the backburner, parting ways will probably be good for your self-esteem in the long run. "If your friend didn't truly show up for you the way you needed them to, didn't treat you and your friendship in the highest regard, and/or violated your trust in a major way, perhaps they weren't a true friend to begin with," grief coach Rachel Ricketts tells Bustle.

2You Feel Like It Was All Your Fault


A friend who makes you feel like everything's all your fault, including the breakup, could be gaslighting you. "Gaslighting is a subtle form of manipulation and abuse that is really hard to name or pinpoint, but is often a factor where friendships have fallen apart without any 'good' reason," says Ricketts. "If you were being gaslighted, it means that your friend didn't take ownership for his/her behavior and would spin any situation so as to make you the enemy or culprit. You would leave your interactions with this person feeling down, defeated, unworthy, invalidated and/or stupid." And who needs more of that?

3You Don't Miss Them


You might think you miss your ex-friend when what you really miss is having a best friend or enjoying certain experiences with them, says Ricketts. But you may not actually miss this person themselves, and that's OK.

Ad failed to load

4You Disagree With Why They Left You


It's easy to be hard on yourself when someone else decides you're not worth being friends with. But do you think you were a bad friend? Or are they the ones holding you to unreasonable expectations?

"If the friend ditched you because you turned them down for something you did not want to do or money you did not want to lend, this person is using emotional manipulation to try to get you to do something you do not feel comfortable with," licensed social worker Kryss Shane tells Bustle. "If there was a huge fight that left you feeling embarrassed because the person made angry comments about your beliefs, your appearance, or your choices, this person chose to be cruel when angry rather than to respond out of love for their friend and is probably someone you do not need in your life."

5You Didn't Look Forward To Seeing Them


If you started to dread seeing your friend toward the end, you probably knew deep down that the friendship wasn't for the best. "That was your body telling you that this person is someone not right or healthy for you to be around," says Shane.

6You're Relieved You Don't Have To Deal With Them


The fact that you don't have to deal with your former friend anymore may seem like just a silver lining, but it's actually a very significant piece of information, relationship talk show host Susan McCord tells Bustle. Your friends shouldn't ever feel like people you have to "deal" with. Focus on those who leave you energized, not drained.

Ad failed to load

7They've Handled The Friend Breakup Badly


An ex-friend who recently gossiped about you, turned other friends against you, or otherwise lashed out in the wake of your breakup probably would continue causing problems if you became friends again, says McCord.

None of these things mean the friend breakup will be easy. But just because it's hard or sad doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. Give it some time, and you may be glad you made room for more positive people in your life.

Ad failed to load
Must Reads

Here's Where Your Next Trip Should Be, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

If you've been craving a vacation, now is a good time to take the plunge. According to data collected by travel site Expedia, late winters and early spring are pretty much the best times of the year to go on vacation. Based on average airfare ticket …
By Callie Tansill-Suddath

Bustle's Editors On Jennifer Aniston + Adam Rippon

We've made it to Friday! It's been a pretty hectic week, and the news that Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux are splitting up might have put a damper on your weekend. But, if like many people you have Monday off, hopefully you can sit back and enjo…
By Rachel Simon

This Timeline Of Justin Theroux & Jennifer Aniston's Relationship Will Break Your Heart All Over Again

Just one day after Valentine's Day, actors Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux announced their breakup after seven years together. The celebrity couple, who were married for two-and-half years, separated quietly at the end of last year. This week, th…
By Priscilla Totiyapungprasert

19 Things Your Parents Told You Were Illegal In The '90s

Kids say — and think — the darnedest things. We have overactive imaginations, adults like to mess with us, and we don't always understand everything we hear. That's why some kids call strawberries "straw babies" — a boo-boo so adorable, you don't eve…
By Megan Grant

Why Uggs Are Never Going Away, Whether You Like Them Or Not

Uggs. The word alone can conjure up memories of teenage years, regrettable outfits, and undeniable comfort. But if, like me, you thought that you've already said goodbye to those fleece-lined tan boots, you can think again. It seems fashion has adopt…
By Lauren Sharkey

I Never Want To Write This Essay Again

I don't know where you were when you heard about Wednesday's high school shooting in Parkland, Florida. I don't know what you were doing, or how you tried to process the news. I do know this: you thought to yourself, not again. And yet, again. Of cou…
By Jenny Hollander

Netflix's New Romantic Movie Will Have You Crying Like It's 'The Fault In Our Stars'

Cancer movies are a heartbreaking staple of Hollywood and have been for decades. It's almost a law of nature: new year, new cancer movie. This year, it's Netflix's Irreplaceable You, a heartbreaking original about a longtime couple who get thrown for…
By Olivia Truffaut-Wong

A Study Suggests Drinking Soda Can Affect Your Fertility — But Don’t Freak Out Just Yet

An awful lot of things can affect fecundability — that is, the probability of conceiving within a single menstrual cycle — but can soda really decrease your chances of getting pregnant? A new study suggests that it might, although it turns out that t…
By Lucia Peters

Here Are All The Terms You Need To Know If You’re Watching Olympic Ski Events Right Now

Every four years the Winter Olympics rolls around to remind me that A) there are so many important Winter Olympic sports, and B) I know virtually nothing any of them. And I know for a fact, I'm not alone, I bet most people don't know what the differe…
By Danielle Colin-Thome

Money Actually CAN Buy Happiness — And Science Figured Out Exactly How Much It Costs

You’ve probably heard the saying “Money can’t buy happiness.” Personally, I’d be more than willing to test out that hypothesis myself, but researchers at Purdue University beat me to it. Researchers found that there is an actual amount of money it ta…
By Katie Mitchell

Kate Middleton Made Sales Of This $1 Secret Accessory Spike & She'll Turn You Into A Believer

There's a royal epidemic going on, people. It's one that causes any and everyone to obsess over the royal family's wardrobe and beauty routines, even if it means breaking the bank to look like them. So a frenzy was expected when Kate Middleton report…
By Summer Arlexis

Adam Rippon and Mirai Nagasu Have Matching Tattoos & The Story Is So Cute

Olympic season gives people the feels. From those shipping Canadian ice dancing pair Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir to Shaun White's gold medal win on Tuesday, the feels are real. Now, there's another reason to get all up in your emotions. Adam Rippon a…
By Shea Simmons

A New Study Says Being In A Relationship Could Change Your Taste In Wine — Here's How

I’d be willing to bet that for many of you, a nice bottle of wine is awaiting you in your near future — and if you’re planning on sharing that bottle with a partner, there might be more to your choice than meets the eye: According to recent research,…
By Lucia Peters

Carrie Brownstein On Why Even The Obama Era Should Have Enraged You

An icy January morning soon after Hollywood's show of solidarity for the #MeToo movement at the Golden Globes and almost exactly one year into the Trump Administration feels like a momentous time to be sitting across from Carrie Brownstein. The Sleat…
By Samantha Rollins

Here’s What The Upcoming Year Of The Dog Means For Your Chinese Zodiac Sign

On Feb. 16 the world will celebrate the Chinese New Year, welcoming the Year of the Dog in like the good doggo it is — we hope. A new year means new zodiac predictions for the 365 days ahead. So, what does the Year of the Dog mean for your Chinese zo…
By Brittany Bennett

7 Signs You're Ready To Get Into A Relationship, According To Experts

It can be difficult to tell when you're ready to start dating again. Maybe you're coming off of a bad breakup, maybe you've just been focused on other things. And, ironically, one of the signs that you're ready to be in a relationship is that you're …
By Lea Rose Emery

I Got A Breast Reduction & It Was About So Much More Than The Size Of My Boobs

As a young teenager, I pretty much reached peak physical maturity overnight. One day I was wearing my first training bra a la Lizzie McGuire, and the next I was sweatily fumbling around a Victoria’s Secret with 32DD boobs, trying to summon up the cou…
By Sierra Taylor Horton

This Is, Hands Down, The *Grossest* Thing Babies Do Inside The Womb

Your baby's life in the womb may be safe and warm, but it's also kind of grody. Seriously, the whole process of growing into a human being includes more than a few icky moments along the way. But this is the grossest thing babies do inside the womb b…
via Romper

The 15 Best Fiction Books Of February Feature Tons Of Extraordinary Women

When the cold winds of February blow in, there's nothing I want more than to hide under my covers with a good book. Luckily, there's more than a few fantastic new fiction books coming out this month, so the only tough decision you'll have to make is …
By Melissa Ragsdale

These 10 Drugstore Red Lipsticks Are Under $10 & Actually *Amazing*

I adore makeup. There are few things I like more than getting myself fancied up in the mornings. It's a little ritual I get to do every day that makes me feel prettier and more put together. When my makeup is on, I'm ready to face the world — pun int…
via Romper

17 Moms Reveal The Most Disgusting Part Of Their Pregnancy

Pregnant bodies do weird-ass things. Weird-ass, gross things. I mean, my pregnant body did (twice), and I have long-suspected I'm not alone. So I asked other moms to share the most disgusting part of their pregnancy and I learned that, not only am I …
via Romper