Should I Fix A Broken Friendship? 7 Signs Your Friend Breakup Was For The Better

Ad failed to load

Three years ago, I went through one of the hardest "breakups" of my life: One of my best friends decided we part ways. I spent the following three years brainstorming ways to get her back — until it occurred to me that maybe, this friend breakup was for the better.

I'd always blamed myself for the falling out. She was, after all, the one who got mad at me. But when I told other people about it, they usually said, "It sounds like you didn't do anything wrong" or "she doesn't sound like the greatest friend anyway." I'd been so wrapped up in trying to fix my own supposed shortcomings, I hadn't seen her's.

I'm not the only one who has pined to get a friend back only to realize that maybe, they didn't want her back after all. "I have personally experienced losing a friend and contemplated reconciling, but what stops me is remembering how I felt around them," Katelyn, 24, tells Bustle. "I constantly felt like they didn’t care (never asking about my life or what was going on), and [they] were constantly speaking ill of others. It felt like I was stuck in a bubble and if I ever tried to leave, they would 'punish' me by not reaching out. It was toxic and not worth going back to, no matter how many good times we had."

Ad failed to load

"I 'broke up' with a friend of 10 years, and although there are times when I miss her and become nostalgic about good times we had together, her frequent self-aggrandizing social media posts convince me that I should not," Victoria, 62, tells Bustle. "I tend to 'hang in there' for too long, which sometimes has a negative impact on me, so I am at peace with my decision NEVER to speak with her again."

Here are some signs that you should also stop plotting to get your friend back and start being glad a toxic friendship is out of your life.

Ad failed to load

1Your Friend Was Distant


We don't put up with dates who ghost us or make us jump through hoops just to get a damn text message (or at least we know we shouldn't). So, why do we put up with friends who do this?

If your friend always put you on the backburner, parting ways will probably be good for your self-esteem in the long run. "If your friend didn't truly show up for you the way you needed them to, didn't treat you and your friendship in the highest regard, and/or violated your trust in a major way, perhaps they weren't a true friend to begin with," grief coach Rachel Ricketts tells Bustle.

2You Feel Like It Was All Your Fault


A friend who makes you feel like everything's all your fault, including the breakup, could be gaslighting you. "Gaslighting is a subtle form of manipulation and abuse that is really hard to name or pinpoint, but is often a factor where friendships have fallen apart without any 'good' reason," says Ricketts. "If you were being gaslighted, it means that your friend didn't take ownership for his/her behavior and would spin any situation so as to make you the enemy or culprit. You would leave your interactions with this person feeling down, defeated, unworthy, invalidated and/or stupid." And who needs more of that?

3You Don't Miss Them


You might think you miss your ex-friend when what you really miss is having a best friend or enjoying certain experiences with them, says Ricketts. But you may not actually miss this person themselves, and that's OK.

Ad failed to load

4You Disagree With Why They Left You


It's easy to be hard on yourself when someone else decides you're not worth being friends with. But do you think you were a bad friend? Or are they the ones holding you to unreasonable expectations?

"If the friend ditched you because you turned them down for something you did not want to do or money you did not want to lend, this person is using emotional manipulation to try to get you to do something you do not feel comfortable with," licensed social worker Kryss Shane tells Bustle. "If there was a huge fight that left you feeling embarrassed because the person made angry comments about your beliefs, your appearance, or your choices, this person chose to be cruel when angry rather than to respond out of love for their friend and is probably someone you do not need in your life."

5You Didn't Look Forward To Seeing Them


If you started to dread seeing your friend toward the end, you probably knew deep down that the friendship wasn't for the best. "That was your body telling you that this person is someone not right or healthy for you to be around," says Shane.

6You're Relieved You Don't Have To Deal With Them


The fact that you don't have to deal with your former friend anymore may seem like just a silver lining, but it's actually a very significant piece of information, relationship talk show host Susan McCord tells Bustle. Your friends shouldn't ever feel like people you have to "deal" with. Focus on those who leave you energized, not drained.

Ad failed to load

7They've Handled The Friend Breakup Badly


An ex-friend who recently gossiped about you, turned other friends against you, or otherwise lashed out in the wake of your breakup probably would continue causing problems if you became friends again, says McCord.

None of these things mean the friend breakup will be easy. But just because it's hard or sad doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. Give it some time, and you may be glad you made room for more positive people in your life.

Ad failed to load
Must Reads

Here's Your Horoscope For Memorial Day Weekend

We’re constantly fascinated by what our zodiac sign says about our lives, whether it's which signs are most compatible or how each sign handles conflict in relationships. That's why Bustle has enlisted Mecca Woods, a New York City-based astrologer of…
By Mecca Woods

These Are The Absolute Best Memorial Day Sales This Year

Get your credit cards ready, because this year's fashion and beauty Memorial Day sales might just be the best ones yet. There's not only major savings for the holiday, but some of the savings start days before. You know, so you can spend the entire w…
By Kali Borovic

Everything Leaving & Coming To Netflix In June To Help Get Your Summer Started

Summer is right around the corner, and so is another batch of streaming options to get excited about. On Wednesday, everything leaving and coming to Netflix in June 2018 was announced by the streaming platform. And don't worry, there's something for …
By Jamie Primeau

These Are The Beauty Products That Came Out In May That You DEFINITELY Need On Your Radar

For beauty lovers, months aren't just months: They're 28 to 31 day periods, wherein any and all product and brand launches can happen — and when they do, it feels like your birthday, no matter what time of the year you were actually born. The May 201…
By Amanda Richards

The 5 Rom-Coms You Need To Read This Summer, According To Someone Who Writes Them

'Tis the season for rom-coms. The weather is warm, the sun is shining, and everyone is rocking the flirtiest items in their wardrobe. I don't know about you, but summer always takes me back to my teenage years — and that automatically makes me want t…
By Cristina Arreola

11 Tiny Sunglasses That Will Make You Look Even Cooler Than Kylie Jenner

You know what they say — the tinier the sunglasses, the more stylish the outfit. OK, that's not really a saying, but it seems to be the case these days. Basically every celebrity, model, and It person has been spotted sporting tiny sunglasses as part…
By Sara Tan

I've Paid $18,000 To A $24,000 Student Loan, & I Still Owe $24,000

It all became real the summer before my senior year of college. It was 2010, and my home phone still had a cord, which I wrapped around my fingers as I waited not-so-patiently for the apathetic representative on the other end to tell me the bad news …
By Kaitlyn Cawley

12 Personality Quizzes That Will Help You Determine Your Exact Strengths

Learning more about yourself can be tough. It's so easy to observe others to learn what makes them tick, what areas they really excel in, and the things they could be better at. Doing that to yourself, however, is a whole different story. That's exac…
By Jessica Booth

5 Brand New Short Story Collections You Can Finish In One Sitting This Weekend

Since 2013, May has been known by book-lovers by another name: Short Story Month. If you're ready to kick off this year's celebration the right way, make sure to pick up a short story collection to read over the weekend. Modern life moves more than …
By Sadie Trombetta

I Got Styled By 'Queer Eye's Tan France & Realized I Still Have A Lot Of Fashion "Rules" To Unlearn

When I walked into a New York City Express store on May 2 to get styled by Queer Eye's Tan France, I was ready for anything. And I mean truly anything. I am such a massive fan of the show and Tan that if he had instructed me to wrap myself in tin foi…
By Olivia Muenter

It Isn’t Bad To Have A “Princess Fantasy” — Mine Made Me The Woman I Am Today

What do you want to be when you grow up? If you were anything like me as a kid, at some point, the answer to that question was "a princess." Thanks to good old-fashioned gender stereotypes, most little girls born in the '90s (and even now) grew up in…
By Nicole Pomarico

Here’s How To Get A FREE 30-Minute Facial At Sephora That Sucks Your Pores Clean

Sephora has long been a mecca for both serious and amateur beauty lovers alike, where they not only have makeup artists that help answer questions about products, but free samples to let you play with new collections. But now they have upped the ante…
By Marlen Komar

Kris Jenner Is FINALLY Launching A Makeup Line With Kylie

Maybe you don't have a favorite sister of the Kar-Jenner clan, and that's perfectly fine. The one thing you can't deny, though, is that when it comes power, no one in that family has more than the world famous momager. Now, Kris Jenner x Kylie Cosmet…
By Shea Simmons

This Kendall Jenner “Diva” Moment Is Really Being Taken Out Of Context

The fashion always takes center stage at the Met Gala, but there's usually a little drama, too. And this time, a member of the Kardashian-Jenner family is involved. People are buzzing about how Kendall Jenner shoved someone at the Met Gala, but after…
By Nicole Pomarico

Feel Like You've Seen Everything On Netflix? Add These Movies To Your Watch List

The weekend may feel too far away, but if you're lacking formal plans, a Netflix marathon session is always a good idea. If you're an avid viewer, however, you probably feel like you've seen everything the streaming platform has to offer already. In …
By Ashley Rey

Hillary Clinton Says She's Ready To Fight Like A Republican — EXCLUSIVE

Hillary Clinton Is Not Going Away Quietly. Can Hillary Clinton Please Go Quietly Into The Night? Unlike Losers Before Her, Clinton Is Not Going Gently Into the Night. These headlines, which appeared in various news outlets over the course of the last…
By Catherine Thompson and Jenny Hollander

Here's The Very Best Time To Book Your Summer Vacation If You're Trying To Save Money

Summer is a great time to travel, for obvious reasons. The weather is better. Many offices are more lax about time off. If you have kids, they’re out of school. But there’s one very important element that makes summer not a great time to travel: Cost…
By Emma McGowan