What Facetime with Selena, Demi, & Taylor Is like

Hey, Apple? Your new, post-holiday ad has already happened. Selena Gomez posted a screenshot of a Gomez/Taylor Swift/Demi Lovato FaceTime convo. The photo caption reads: "Just a Saturday night. Taylor's tea, Demi's laugh. Honestly, can't complain." Given that Gomez said she needs a break, a low-key Saturday night chatting with old buddies is probably just what the doctor ordered. Also? What an incredible celeb endorsement. For FaceTime and for tea. I anticipate tea sales will skyrocket. I've already had two cups of tea since I saw the photo. Tea DOES sound great, I thought. I can't be the only one chugging tea because of this pic, right? Invest in tea now!

I rarely video chat (the delay stresses me out. I always end up accidentally interrupting the other person), but I'd video chat for DAYS with Lovato, Swift, and Gomez. Man oh man, do I want to be friends with Lovato, Swift, and Gomez. They're so cool. Too cool for me, that's for sure. I don't doubt they'd be nice to me, but at the end of the day, I don't think I'd be able to be chill. I'd be a spaz. And they'd be like, "Sorry to play this card, Kristie. But I'm a celebrity. Get me out of here."

You really want to know how would things would play out if I crashed the Swift/Gomez/Lovato FaceTime convo? I think it'd go something like this:

(Key: "K"=Kristie; "D"=Demi Lovato; "S"=Selena Gomez; "T"=Taylor Swift)

K: (Enters Demi Lovato's room) Hey, pal! Just finished season two of Scandal. So good. Who are you talking to?

D: Selena and Taylor.

K: Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift?!

D: (Raises eyebrow) …Yes. Is that surprising? You know we're friends. And you know them.

K: FAIR POINT. IT'S JUST SO EXCITING TO KNOW ALL OF YOU. CAN I SAY HI?

S: Dem, is that Kristie? What does she want?

T: (Laughs)

D: Um, I guess she wants to say hi.

K: HI, GIRLS! Are you having fun? Are you staying out of trouble?

T: You know it, Boss.

D: (Side-eye) You realize we're adults, right?

S: (Laughs)

K: I know, I know. Was I being a square?

D: (Sighs exasperatedly)

S: You're fine.

K: What're you all talking about? BOYS?! JUSTIN BIEBER?! JOHN MAYER?!

T: (To Selena) She isn't serious, right? (To phone camera) You aren't serious, right?

K: Oh, um… no. I, uh… I guess not.

D: (Sighs again)

K: Let me try again: Which member of One Direction do you have a crush on? That Harry Styles is a cutie.

T: You're out of control.

D: (Turns toward Kristie) Kristie. I'm this close to hanging up the call. Don't ruin this FaceTime for me.

K: Okay, I'm sorry. I'll bounce. (Acts like she's leaving the room)

S: Wait, no. Don't leave. Crap. Don't let her leave, Dem. Hey, Kristie? We just don't want to talk about guys. We've got other stuff to chat about.

K: How Bechdel of you! LOVE IT.

D: Oookay. So, we were just talking about how we wish we could all do a movie together.

K: Perfect.

T: (Laughs)

K: I'm serious. That'd be the best movie ever. Create a Kickstarter. I'd donate.

S: We don't have an actual idea, we just thought it'd be neat if we all could work on the same project.

D: Yeah, because we hardly ever get to spend time together.

K: You all have to do a movie together. I'm telling everyone I know about this. Please remake the remake of Ocean's 11.

D: Kristie. You're getting ahead of yourself. Don't tell anyone we're remaking the remake of Ocean's 11 or any movie. Because it's not a real idea. As a matter of fact, don't repeat anything from this convo. It'll get taken out of context, and BAM! Rumor-fest.

K: Oh my goodness! I won't tell anyone about this. I'm new to the "FaceTime with celebs" thing.

T: (Laughs)

S: Wait, are you live-Tweeting this convo?!

K: (Puts phone down) …Uh.

D: KRISTIE, GET OUT. YOU'RE THE WORST. YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

T: (Laughs)

D: Okay, you're not the worst. But you're being a weasel. And I'm worried that you're going to keep tweeting. Can you please leave and let me finish up this convo with my besties?

K: I'm sorry, everyone. (Leaves room)

D: She's such a weirdo.

S: I don't mind her. I like her.

T: (Laughs)

D: Don't get me wrong, I like her, too. She's the most boring person I know, and that alone makes her kind of fun to be around. Does that make sense?

S: Yeah, I get it.

T: Gosh, boring people are so entertaining. Like, what are their lives? Could you imagine going to the store without paparazzi following you? HAHA, bizarre.

D: Earlier, she was telling me about getting a nail stuck in her car tire and I was like, "Okay?"

S: It was probably the most exciting thing that's happened to her in weeks.

T: Recently, I heard her tell someone she doesn't have a passport.

D: (Cackles)

S: How… ?

T: I don't know how an adult doesn't have a passport. But hey, she's something else.

S: Hey, my phone's about to die, so I guess we've got to go.

K: (Creeps out from behind the door) BYE, SELENA! BYE, TAYLOR!

S & T: AHHHHHHHHHHH!

D: Kristie, were you there the entire time?

K: …

D: (Eyes widen) Did you hear everything we said?

K: …

T: (Panics) Looks like we're losing service. Gotta go, bye!

S: Have fun, Dem! (Ends call)

D: (Sighs)

K: I deleted all of the tweets. Can I go to Wilmer's party with you?

D: (Sighs)

AND SCENE.

Image: selenagomez/instagram