Since it's almost Juan-uary — you know, that made-up month ABC concocted to make sure you don't forget to watch Juan Pablo Galavis search for lurve — it's about time that The Bachelor has some Bachelorettes to have already met a few months ago in a top secret first rose ceremony that will air for public consumption in early 2014. Now, thanks to the magic of the Internet, we now know what Juan Pablo already knows: a series of mundane facts that wouldn't even be deemed enough for an OkCupid profile.
Now, with 27 ladies all smiling in the same three Bachelor-approved poses in front of a background once used for middle school photo day, it's hard to tell what we're going to think of all these women once they start vying for the heart of this year's hottie with a heart of gold. (And that's probably because this age-old Bachelor/Bachelorette practice of releasing seven lines of likes and dislikes alongside a pretty picture has never really told anyone anything in the history of semi-informative portraits.) But because we can't bear to wait for Juan-uary, we'll play your ridiculous game, ABC. We won't take it seriously, but we will play.
Here's how we think these ladies will fare based on their criminally minimal bios and the fact that The Bachelor/ Bachelorette universe is a supernatural vortex designed to render all human behavior irrational and inexplicable:
Alexis, 24-year-old Communications Director
She lists her favorite movies as Elf, Titanic, and Home Alone and her favorite flower is the Stargazer Lily. Odds are this girl will utter the phrase "falling for him" in the first three episodes.
Alli, 26-year-old Nanny
Alli is charged with wrangling someone else's kids all day and one of her favorite movies is Gladiator. There will be a soccer challenge — hello, Juan Pablo's favorite sport — and this lady will dominate.
Amy J, 31-year-old Massage Therapist
She's got good taste in music (Bob Dylan, Radiohead) and she's an LA Clippers fan, so she's into underdogs. She and Juan Pablo will bond over this in light of his rejection on The Bachelorette.
Amy L, 27-year-old Local News Reporter
She will, at some point, read one of the date cards as if she's on the air. The other ladies will roll their eyes.
Andi, 26-year-old Federal Prosecutor
She works as a federal prosecutor and her favorite show is Scandal, so all women in the audience will be rooting for her, but she'll lose because she'll be unwilling to play into the bachelorette house drama.
Ashley, 25-year-old Grade School Teacher
She's a school teacher with a tattoo, her favorite movies include Moonrise Kingdom and The Breakfast Club, and her favorite author is Dr. Seuss because she teaches adorable children all day. Automatic Top 3 contestant.
Cassandra, 21-year-old Former NBA Dancer
She is afraid of heights, so the producers will send her on a date that involves skydiving or rappelling down the side of a building. She will lose her nerve and Juan Pablo will tell us in the confessional that he's not sure she can "go the distance" with him.
Chantel, 27-year-old Account Manager
She's a grown woman who openly lists The Notebook as a favorite movie. She will make at least one Ryan Gosling comparison during the first episode.
Chelsie, 24-year-old Science Educator
I'm not really sure why her job isn't just "Science teacher," but maybe The Bachelor is about to expand our horizons. I don't, however, think we'll ever understand why everyone — including Chelsie — is suddenly into listing their favorite snack as frozen grapes.
Christine, 23-year-old Police Support Specialist
Prepare yourself for at least one "arrest his heart" metaphor from Chris Harrison.
Christy, 24-year-old Marketing Manager
She likes orchids, takes a long time to get ready to go out, and likes apples and peanut butter, so she's definitely a human.
Clare, 32-year-old Hairstylist
Lists her favorite snack as fruit. That is honestly the most interesting "personal fact" that ABC has deemed fit to give us and it's just now donning on me that every single woman on this list says some form of "fruit." Where's the charming Jennifer Lawrence one who boldly admits that she'd mainline a bowl of tater tots if you gave her one? Where, ABC? WHERE?
Danielle, 25-year-old Nurse
She's "not a big sushi fan." Her demise? Group date, sushi dinner. She opts for an avocado roll to be polite, someone rats her out for "hating" the "beautiful dinner" Juan Pablo "organized" for them.
Elise, 27-year-old First Grade Teacher
She's got an adorable job and her last relationship lasted eight years. She'll find it hard to move on, which will urge Juan Pablo to help her. Automatic Top 5, at least.
Kat, 29-year-old Sales Rep
She kind of looks like a nicer version of Sweet Dee from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I will spend all season wondering if they're related.
Kelly, 27-year-old Dog Lover
I will root for her simply because she had the audacity to name "human with a heart" as her profession.
Kylie, 23-year-old Interior Designer
This lady has four tattoos and likes to play Jumanji. She will be wary of taking this TV relationship thing seriously and we are going to love her for it.
Lacy, 25-year-old Nursing Home Owner
She's a business owner under 30 and her business is built to help the elderly and not sell overpriced artisinal soaps or fashion accessories you didn't know you needed? This woman is basically a unicorn.
Lauren H, 25-year-old Mineral Coordinator
Does anyone know what a mineral coordinator does? Hello? Google doesn't know, you guys, and I'm confused.
Lauren S, 26-year-old Music Composer
Juan Pablo will ask her to write him a song. And that sort of thing is always awkward, so they'll make out instead.
Lucy, 24-year-old Free Spirit
This "professional" free spirit says she's neither a city or a country person, she's "an ocean person." Ha. And my parents tried to tell me Ariel from The Little Mermaid wasn't real.
Maggie, 24-year-old Personal Banker
She mentions being Southern or country twice in the approximate 20 words they give her to express herself and her favorite movies include Hope Floats and Steel Magnolias. Meet this season's de facto sassy adviser to the other ladies.
Nikki, 26-year-old Pediatric Nurse
She says her favorite type of dancing is "Is drunk dancing a type?" The producers are going to make sure the wine refill guy is dangerous close to this woman at all times. Sip slowly, my dear.
Renee, 32-year-old Real Estate Agent
Because one of her favorite movies is Top Gun, the producers will have her ride a motorcycle with Juan Pablo while "Highway to the Danger Zone" plays. We will simultaneously love and hate this.
Sharleen, 29-year-old Opera Singer
She will sing opera during the first episode, when the other ladies beg to know if she really can "sing like that." It will be obnoxious and make the reel of ridiculous that plagues every set of contestants, but it won't ruin her chances.
Valerie, 26-year-old Personal Trainer
She's very emphatic about never wanting to be cold. The producers will plan a group vacation to Aspen.
Victoria, 24-year-old Legal Assistant
This woman is Brazilian and loves the movie Mean Girls, so she'll stand out enough to stay on the show for a while, which will lead to her be caught occasionally staring off into space (she'll be imagining most of the group dates Cady Heron-style, with all participants fighting like wild animals).
Images: ABC (28)