The Last Person Alive Using A Blackberry

Picture the scene: Tucking his phone into his hip holster, President Obama strides across the While House lawn, secure in his knowledge that he is the only un-ironic Blackberry owner left in America. On Wednesday, Obama told a crowd that he's not allowed an iPhone for security reasons, and so he must utilize what amounts to the fanny-pack of smartphones. Every time he takes out his phone, Sasha and Malia must wince.

Actually, what's surprising is that Obama even has a phone at all: Everyone thought he'd have to give it up upon taking on the presidential role in 2009. But he did not! Stoic and stubborn, the leader of the free world held on to the beloved CrackBerry he's notoriously attached to, though he did relinquish it it for a few hours to get some super-secure privacy settings installed.

Even if he could give up the BlackBerry, iPhones are out of the question for the president. After all, Apple is one of the companies that's possibly given over some data to the National Security Administration (NSA,) and BlackBerry is famous for, amongst other things, its world-class security.

But perhaps Obama clings so tightly to the oft-mocked phone because he's the first president to use email, though only 10 people know his personal address. Bill Clinton, elected in 1992, didn't have it, and neither did George W. Bush. Which begs the question: How do you lead a country/coordinate large chunks of global without email? Does the White House have a secret stash of carrier pigeons, bread from extinct birds' DNA?

In any case, crack on, Obama. Crack. On.