One Direction, Lady Gaga, and Other Celebs' Fragrances Are Incredibly Popular, But What Is An Enchanted Orris Root?

Here's the most important piece of news you'll read all week: One Direction's fragrance is really, really popular. According to The Mirror, Our Moment is the number one celebrity perfume. The source of the info is European online retailer feelunique, and I'm not sure if the research includes worldwide sales, Europe-only sales, or feelunique-only sales. I'm going to assume the answer is option three. Regardless, nice hustle, 1D! Another tidbit from feelunique: A bottle of Our Moment sells every minute. WHAT. Okay. A small bottle of Our Moment costs about $50. MATH TIME: $50 x 60 minutes x 24 hours = $72,000 a day. Again, I those might be strictly feel-unique sales, and I don't know what percentage the 1D boys keep, but WHOA. All of it is wild. So. Much. Money. No wonder celebs slang perfume.

I used to sell perfume, but no, I didn't make $72,000 a day. It wasn't my fragrance. It was the retailer's. There's the rub! I would get a huge kick out of the "top notes" and "bottom notes" and "hints" listed on the fragrance packaging. However, as much as I loved the descriptions, I was terrible at memorizing them. I would get flustered and tell customers that a perfume smelled like burnt graham crackers, and then wonder why everyone didn't buy 35 bottles immediately.

A description of a perfume can read like botanist-penned fanfic. It is poetry. Strange, bizarre poetry. It's been a while since I've really dug into a fragrance description, but it feels like home. Here are the crazy-amazing descriptions of the five top-selling celebrity fragrances (again, according to feelunique):

1. One Direction: Our Moment

"The sparkling, juicy and feminine fragrance is made up of splashes of fresh fruit and seasonal flowers infused with undertones of warm musk. The pink grapefruit, wild berries and red currants, combined with the delicacy of jasmine petals, and frangipani with the dry woody tones of musk and patchouli leave an enticing and playful scent on the skin."

  • Grapefruit, berries, red currants, jasmine petals. So far so good.
  • What is a frangipani? It sounds like a type of pasta.
  • Musk and patchouli? I had patchouli-scented nail polish back in the '90s. Bought it at Fashion Bug. I was obsessed with it because it was scented polish, but I secretly hated the smell. The sacrifices we make! I'm sure the perfume doesn't smell like that patchouli nail polish, but I can't help but be apprehensive.

2. Lady Gaga: Fame

"Belladonna, Incense, Apricot, Honey Drops, Tiger Orchidea, Jasmin Sambac."

  • I like "incense," "apricot," and "honey drops." I'm down.
  • What is a Belladonna? A Tiger Orchidea? A Jasmin Sambac? I'm perfume shopping. I don't want to google my face off right now. I just want to fill my nostrils with the sweet, sweet stench of honey drops.

3. Britney Spears: Fantasy

Top notes of lush red lychee, golden quince and exotic kiwi are followed by cupcake accord, jasmine petals, and white chocolate orchid. Bottom notes of creamy musk, enchanted orris root, and sensual woods complete this magical fragrance with a flourish.

  • Red lychee, exotic kiwi, and jasmine petals are familiar words.
  • I understand "cupcake" and I understand "accord," but the combo? The combo is gibberish. Is the scent "a Honda full of cupcakes" or am I wandering around in deep left field?
  • I'm not going to pretend like I know what a golden quince is.
  • Is a white chocolate orchid an orchid made of white chocolate? Can you eat a white chocolate orchid? If so, why aren't they planted everywhere?
  • I don't want to know about the sensual woods.

4. Nicki Minaj: Pink Friday

"Grapefruit, juicy apple, star fruit, waterlily, honeysuckle, Italian mandarin, blackberry, white raspberry, boysenberry, lotus, starry jasmine, caramelized pear, vanilla and musk."

  • I understand all of the words! And the words work together harmoniously in my mind! I can get my head around this fragrance!

5. Justin Bieber: The Key

"Energetic with a sexy splash of sparkling freshness, the luminous fragrance awakens the senses with a burst of juicy fruit, while the heart blooms to unveil a bright bouquet of sheer floral. The creamy dry down blends sensual musks and precious woods with decadent notes of vanilla, guaranteed to leave you dreaming for more."

  • "Sexy splash of sparkling freshness" is the greatest phrase ever.
  • "A burst of juicy fruit?" A burst of Juicy Fruit gum?!?
  • How can something be creamy and dry? I could be wrong, but it sounds like an oxymoron. I would like more information regarding "the creamy dry down," please.
  • "Sensual musks and precious woods" might be the second greatest phrase ever.
  • "Guaranteed to leave you dreaming for more?" Ew.