The day has finally come. I have finally happened upon something that almost defies explanation to the point where I am nearly rendered speechless. You may think I'm being just a bit too dramatic, but once you hear what I have to tell you, I think you'll change your tune. According to Entertainment Weekly, Gossip Girl creator Josh Schwartz is writing a show called Horrorstör with Michael Vukadinvich, based on the novel of the same name by Grady Hendrix. Sounds innocent enough, right? Wrong. Apparently, Horrorstör is a show about "haunted furniture."
Get it? Horror-stör(e).
Entertainment Weekly lists the pitch for the pilot as this:
Amy is newly sober, and lands a job at the furniture mega store opening in her town called ORSK, the U.S. Flagship of the European furniture superstore. It feels like just the opportunity she’s needed to get her life back on track. But as Amy comes to discover, the store actually preys upon its customers’ desires to a supernatural degree, selling products that make their wishes and fantasies come true in unexpected and insidious ways.
If you didn't already get where this was going, the publication explains that ORSK is supposed to be a bizarro version of IKEA. Here's the thing to keep in mind: While this all admittedly sounds fairly insane and creepy, it's actually supposed to be a "dramedy" — so, yes, you can let out that breath you've been holding. We're all supposed to laugh at this. Considering that we all now know it's purposefully humorous in nature, it actually sounds kind of great.
But, considering I can't quite reconcile how Schwartz both created Gossip Girl, The O.C., and is now creating this, I need the concepts to meet and mesh in my mind. For clarity purposes. Here is how I think the Gossip Girl characters would react if they were a part of Horrorstör:
1. Blair Would Probably Drop Dead At The Mere Mention Of A Reasonably Priced Furniture Store
Figuratively, of course.
2. Dan Would Be In His Element
Sure, creepy furniture stores may not be most people's things, but Dan is a writer. There's so much potential for a meaty story, here. Besides, his broody nature belongs in this kind of dark environment.
3. Chuck Would Just Probably Try To Buy The Place And Turn A Profit
Capitalizing on other people's horror seems like something he'd do. I mean that in the nicest way.
4. Serena Would Keep Up Appearances And Humor The Patrons
But, she'd internally freak out and never return. Not like she was buying anything there. Or working, for that matter.
5. Nate Would Probably Try To Get To The Bottom Of The Whole Haunting Thing
He's actually got a head on his shoulders. Sometimes.
6. Little J Would Probably (Definitely) Volunteer To Work There
Anything to scare those who care about her.
7. Dorota Would Run That Joint
I've always wanted to see her as the head of a dastardly empire.
I'm actually really liking this idea. Maybe I'm onto something...
Images: CW; Giphy (7)