7 Emotional Stages Of Wearing All White Because The Madness Is One Of A Kind
Although it's a beautiful look, wearing all white can often be more of a bother than it's worth. Summertime is all about wearing crisp, fresh hues: You have your sherbet dresses in mango and lime, your candy store-like colors of happy pink and poppy yellow, your firework-like hues of red and blue. But above all, you have your fresh, brisk whites. Fresh, brisk whites that will go out of their way to get themselves stained and mussed up, and half the time in ways you can't even begin to piece together.
There's something so effortless about slipping on a white dress and stepping out into the sunny afternoon, so much so that the LWD is a staple in most wardrobes. However, there's an obvious character flaw that comes with the piece: It will leave you on edge the whole entire day. It's 24 hours of hand wringing and mini panic attacks because so much could go wrong. What if your pad Thai splashes chili sauce all over your front? What if you sit on a bench and you stand up looking like you just did a chimney sweep? There's just so much to consider and factor in and avoid.
Which is why it's absolutely baffling to me that I made the decision to wear a head-to-toe white outfit to a fiesta-themed housewarming party. There I was, standing amidst a battleground of marinated tacos, pitchers of sangria, dusty Cheetos, and barbecue chips, wearing off-white shorts, a white shirt, and a white purse. Panic clearly ensued, and in the most unflattering of ways. Below are the emotional stages of wearing an all white outfit for the day, and the nipping anxiety that seems to always follow at its heels.
1. Complete And Total Satisfaction
You tried on your flirty summer dresses and your retro vintage shifts. You vetoed your popsicle red shorts and didn't quite care for any of your crop tops with high-waisted pants. You had nothing to wear, you hated it all, and your life was over. You're never going to leave your house again because your closet is complete and total sh*t.
Hold the phone, wait a minute. What's this? You notice a pair of white high-waisted shorts lying next to a flowy white crop top heaped together on the floor. That sort of looks like perfection. Picking them up gingerly off of the floor, you think you've found the light at the end of the tunnel. This was exactly what you wanted. Slipping it on, you congratulate yourself for keeping your cool optimism.
2. Feeling Like A Dream
White shoes, white shirt, white shorts, vampy lips. You feel like you're headed to Diddy's white party and not your friend's little shindig. Shall I bring the Cristal, P. Money? Just kidding, it's $10 craft beers on sale at the corner liquor store for us. Hailing a cab, you wonder why it took you this long to think up such a perfect outfit.
3. The First Licks Of Doubts
Standing outside of the apartment building, you call your pal and ask which buzzer to press to be let in. He tells you to just come around back since everyone is hanging around the grill and tables. Obliging, you mosey on back and have a moment of hesitation when you stumble into the party. It's outside, alright. Outside and on old patio furniture that seems to have gone through the apocalypse and back. I'm talking warped tables, grimy plastic chairs, and dirt instead of grass.
Now, you're no Marie Antoinette. Usually this sort of set up wouldn't make you think twice about plopping down and asking someone to pass the potato salad. Now you have off-white shorts to consider, though. Pretty, immaculate white shorts. Maybe it wouldn't be too weird if you sat on a napkin?
4. You Realize You've Made A Terrible, Terrible Mistake
You get the home tour and "ooh" and "aah" at the Beyoncé calendar on the fridge and the immaculately organized Gilmore Girls box set in the living room, but nearly stop dead at the kitchen. Your friend doesn't notice and keeps talking about the landlord and plights of finding this place, but all you can hear is a thin type of ringing in your ears. The kitchen. The heart of the fiesta. You are surrounded: Marinated beef. Wet salsa. Bright red sangria by the gallons. Good Lord, what have you done? Feeling your palms go clammy, you suggest heading back outside to the weathered patio furniture, choosing the lesser of two evils.
5. Looking Crazy At The Table
You sit down at the table with the rest of the group with the safest foods you can find on your plate. So... Tostito chips without the salsa and a measly helping of brown rice. You look like you're on some weird "only white foods" diet and decide to roll with it. Someone offers to pass you the sangria pitcher and you nearly shriek with alarm. Thankfully, you catch yourself right before your crazy shows and, instead, you just shake your head politely. You crack open a beer and bring it slowly — slowly— to your mouth and try not to notice the skeeved out side glance from the guy next to you. OK, probably not going to be talking to him tonight.
6. Being Convinced A Food Fight Is About To Break Out
An hour passes and your friend keeps telling you to help yourself, to keep refilling your plate. You quietly send him pleading looks to leave you the heck alone as you're coasting safely with white wine. You feel vaguely like that one Upper East Side woman in the Sex and the City episode who doesn't allow anything "brown" in her apartment party, and you completely understand her insanity now. She had a right, you think grimly, she had a right.
7. The Glorious Moment You Forget
Three white wines in and you're distracted by good conversation. You find yourself leaning back on the end-times patio chairs and growing bold enough (read: tipsy enough) to reach for the salsa. The night has snuck its way into the sky and you have a comfortable dusk covering the barbecue party, with the only lights coming from the dim lamps in the alley. Even if you dumped the whole punch bowl of sangria over your head, no one would notice the stain.
So you relax, you lean back, and hope you won't have a dry cleaning bill tomorrow, not really caring either way. Maybe you'll stick to blacks next time, but you sure did look good while the madness lasted.
Images: Marlen Komar