Christmas is almost here, so everyone’s already worried about how the stuffing and pies are going to attach themselves to our collective asses. Holiday weight gain is such a big thing that there are specific diets that seek to help people shed the five pounds that they gain during the season.
Personally, I do not care how you plan to stave off the weight gain. I don’t care that you’re trying CrossFit or going gluten-free. I care about pie. And presents. These GIFs accurately explain my feelings when you’re trying to tell me about your extra holiday pounds.
1. I’m getting SO FAT right now! UGH!
You probably aren’t even getting fat, but if you are, it’s okay. Fat people are super-cool. You’ve met me, right?
2. Oh, I can’t have that second piece of pie. I’m watching my weight.
You’re not eating pie this year? Awesome. I will eat my servings of pie and yours. And probably then some more.
3. I am soooo going paleo after all this crap I’ve eaten over Christmas break!
No one cares about your future diet plans. Especially if it involves giving up bread, cheese, and every other delicious thing in life. Talk about that at the gym, not the table.
4. I’m doing this amazing juice cleanse to detoxify after Thanksgiving!
Not in a million years would I call a juice cleanse “amazing.” I would rather be covered with fire ants for eternity than drink the lawn-clippings that you like to call fresh-pressed juice. Also, I’m poor. Do I look like I have $7 to spend on one bottle of stupid juice?
5. Do you want to be my diet buddy!? We’ll have so much fun getting beautiful together!
The next time you're thinking about talking about weight loss at the damn holiday dinner table, think again and spare everyone your sanctimony while they plow into the mashed potatoes and gravy.