Chris Christie is a serious, serious man. He's so serious about his 2016 presidential run, in fact, that he's created a super-hardcore campaign ad that will make you understand just how serious he is. In an ad released on Monday, fittingly titled "Law Enforcer," the New Jersey governor's camp attempted to paint Christie as a tough immigration and foreign policy hawk ready to tackle America's worst enemies if elected president. Looking more like a CSI commercial than anything else, Chris Christie's "Law Enforcer" campaign video easily went viral, though probably not for the reasons his team had hoped.
"Cue the '90s action thriller movie drums and ominous tones," joked Esquire on Monday. "It's fear-mongering time!"
Set to a backdrop of kitschy cop-drama television soundtrack music, the ad features clips of ISIS executions, flashing police lights surrounding low-income neighborhoods, Iranian nuclear facilities, and a guy presumably doing heroin. In a harrowing voice-over, Christie explains:
Lawlessness in America and around the world under Barack Obama. Sanctuary cities engulfing Americans in crime. Drugs running rampant and destroying lives. ISIS beheading Christians. Iranian radicals with nuclear weapons. And now, Hillary Clinton thinks the law doesn't apply to her... Really? We need a strong law enforcer as president, someone who says what he means, and means what he says.
In case that doesn't convince you of just how totally CSI (or 24, or NCIS — take your pick) the new Christie campaign ad really is, here's a side by side comparison of thrilling moments from both the ad and the popular television show, for your convenience.
"ISIS Beheading Christians!"
For obvious reasons, the Christie camp left out the gruesome parts, but you get the gist: "Scary murders around the world are everywhere... Look at them!"
And for the CSI version...
"They're even committing murder on stage! Thanks a lot, Obama!"
"Drugs Running Rampant And Destroying Lives"
Gov. Christie wants you to know that drugs are EVERYWHERE. Everyone is on drugs. (But not Christie. He knows drugs are bad.) Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders and all Democrats want to make sure people have drugs. That's just who they are.
...And now Ashlee Simpson is a drug dealer? Where will it end?!
"Sanctuary Cities" & Criminal Illegal Immigrants
This borders on Donald Trump's "Mexican rapists" theory, but Christie made sure not to go that far. That would be silly! But you should definitely watch out, because there are a lot of dangerous people trying to get into our country...
...Like Justin Bieber.
"Hillary Clinton Doesn't Think The Law Applies To Her!"
...Really, Hillary? You're so wrong if you think Christie will let you get away with this. Consider him the "Law Enforcer":
Here's his badge.
"We Need A Strong Law Enforcer As President!"
"Basically, what I'm saying is that I, Chris Christie, am not afraid to tell it like it is. I can stop this crime wave and I'm not worried about hurting anyone's feelings in the process..."
"...Or anyone's doors."
Even Ted Danson is vouching for Christie and encouraging everyone to get to know this GOP tough guy a little better: