If you're in the market for a new couch, perhaps you should consider this tiger print baby making couch on Craigslist. The couch is lovingly (and aptly) named "Tiger Couch" by its current owner, and looks like it would be the perfect edition to any bachelor pad or mob wife home. Except that the owner is asking $7,000 for it, which means you better be some kind of finance guy/lawyer/doctor bachelor or a very lucrative mobster to be able to afford it. The seller's pitch for the high price is that the couch holds special fertility powers. So if you've been having trouble conceiving, this couch, apparently, is for you.
"This couch can make it happen. (The last three couples within 50 feet of this couch have ALL gotten pregnant. Including one whose doctor said there was a 1% chance.)," writes the seller, who also declares the $7k price tag "a small price to pay," considering you will be able to tell your grandkids about "How they are here because of Tiger Couch". But wait, there's MORE! There's apparently "no others like Tiger Couch," and the couch will become "part of your family". What I want to know is, is there a money back guarantee? What if Tiger Couch doesn't get you pregnant? What if Tiger Couch never feels like part of the family? WHAT IF TIGER COUCH DOESN'T FULFILL YOUR EVERY COUCH-Y NEED?
The seller leaves off with some sad but hopeful words:
"I will be sad to part with Tiger Couch. But I will be filled with joy knowing that generations of families will be the result of Tiger Couch's magical powers of creating human life."
So if you're in the market for a couch and two new family members (baby and couch, duh), then Tiger Couch might be the investment you're looking for.
Here are some more fertility rituals that don't involve being near Tiger Couch but that are also kind of weird:
1. The Śmigus-Dyngus Festival in Poland and the Ukraine
Where they literally water women. Metaphor? What metaphor?
2. The Victor Noir Grave In France
Where you rub the penis of a dead man's likeness. Totally normal.
3. Well Dipping In Switzerland
Where men disguise themselves as "forrest spirits" with bush and grab women and dip them in wells. Not attack-y at all.
4. The Cerne Abbas Giant In England
Apparently women who sleep on this chalk outline will fall pregnant.