There’s no time like your 20s to make utterly senseless dating decisions. After all, these years be learning years, and really, are you even living if you haven’t done dinner and a movie with a rollerblading, headset-wearing, weight-lifting, beer-chugging, braid-sporting, heirloom beet-eating, disgustingly rich animal rights activist? No, you are not. Without further ado, here are nine types of people you should absolutely date between the ages of 20 and 29 — and dump at 12:01 a.m. on your 30th birthday.
1. Your Polar Opposite
Yep, now is the time to fall head over heels for someone who is both alluringly and repulsively unlike you. Unless you’re big on arguing, this won’t last long. It will, however, open you up to new experiences, inspire fiery conversations, teach you how to fight and forgive, and result in some incredibly hot hate-sex. And you shouldn’t knock hate sex till you’ve tried it.
2. The Hikemeister
Well, you said you were looking to climb every mountain, and luckily, you’ve found someone who would quite literally like to climb all of the mountains ever. Oh, and on your way to the summit, you’ll probably find yourself skiing, biking, jogging, swimming, trampolining, and doing the occasional sun salutation. Dating an incredibly active person is a great way to get off your couch and out of your comfort zone. It’s also exhausting, but hey, we’re young and full of energy, right?
3. The Unapologetic Workaholic
The bad news: This guy or gal will have no time for you. Rien, nein, nada. But they will kick ass at school or work, and it just might inspire you to burn the midnight oil, too. Plus, the 6 a.m. quickies will be legen ... wait for it ... dary. The love will burn out the minute you do, but your time together won’t be without valuable takeaways.
4. Mr./Ms. Fix-It
This deservedly smug mofo's got an answer for everything. They’ll bring your computer back from the dead, repair the leaky faucet that’s driving you nuts, and help you figure out how to get the raise you so sorely deserve. The downside? They’ll probably also try to fix you, too. Because, you know, that always ends well.
5. The Logan Huntzberger of Gilmore Girls Guy
He’s got looks, charm, connections, and a shiver-inducing trust fund. You may or may not meet each other on IvyConnect. Eventually, Rory broke up with this dude, so I’m thinking we should take her lead. Until then, enjoy the house on the Cape, the extravagant theme parties, the diamond tennis bracelets, and the delightfully early-aughts hair.
6. The Pack Wolf
Friends on friends on friends on friends. This person — who may or may not be a bro — is perpetually en route to a birthday party or a dinner gathering. You’ll make tons of new friends and contacts through them. Whee! And then you’ll have a sinking realization that your personal life has become a never-ending Santa Con, and you will bolt, but with a perfectly padded contact list.
7. The Insufferable Foodie
Artisanal heirloom kale, fiddleheads smothered in molecular bone marrow, pink Mediterranean crème fraiche béchamel caviar ragout — ah, how the two of you shall sup like kings! And yet, the insufferable foodie’s passion is also their inevitable demise. You can’t really have sex with someone who’s gargled sangiovese in your presence, or spoken aloud the words “om nom nom.”
8. The Way-Too-Neatnik
You might not know that you need to date a clean freak, but you absolutely do. You know how you're always saying you wish there was an Adulthood 101 class that you could take? This will fulfill that particular requirement. You will learn to keep your glassware clean and your baseboards dust-free, and those two skills alone are like +10 maturity points on their own. (If you’re pretty tidy already, I guess it will just be a pleasant experience. Those are nice, too.) You will definitely break up over doing the dishes, but at least now you know how to mop without just pushing dirt around.
9. The Labrador Retriever
When you were, like, 11, you dreamed of finding someone to love you truly, madly, and deeply. (You were maybe a little bit influenced by Savage Garden’s “Truly, Madly, Deeply.”) Sometime in your 20s, someone will realize how stunningly awesome you are, and they will transform into the Nicholas Sparks character/beloved family pet of your middle-school dreams. He will dote and dote and dote until he can’t dote no more. He can’t dote no more because you actually tried to murder him with the bouquet of the day (begonias), and are now pursuing someone who loves you but still has a life of their own.
Now, say it with me:
Main image: Jordin Althaus/FOX