7 Reasons Beyonce's New Album is a Big "Screw You" to Her Anti-Woman Critics

Where were you the night that Beyoncé changed the course of history forever? Like the poor, unfortunate soul that I am, I was OUT at a BAR socializing with REAL HUMAN BEINGS instead of at my usual post tethered to the Internet. And lo and behold, I learned my lesson, because Beyoncé, that cheeky bad bitch that she is, released her newest album (self-titled, of course; she don't need to fuq with titles) without so much as a whisper. JUST AN INSTAGRAM VIDEO. I'm here to add to the echoes of "we are not worthy" being heard around the world.One of the best things about Beyoncé's new album (and there are so many best things) is that it's a not-so-subtle "go to hell" or maybe more Beyoncé-verbatim "bow down bitches" to the detractors from the church of Beyoncé. The honorable Queen Bey has faced her unfair share of criticism for supposedly being dangerous to feminism, but with the earth-shattering release of Beyoncé and its contents, hopefully the haters will be silenced.

Here's all the ways Beyoncé is silencing those cries of anti-feminism.

Image: Instagram

Beyoncé feat. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Beyoncé is a star-studded album, featuring the likes of Drake, Jay Z a.k.a. King Bey a.k.a. the Jigga Man, BLUE IVY CARTER, and last but certainly not least, the Nigerian feminist advocate and novelist Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. On the track “***Flawless,” a reworking of the previously released “Bow Down,” Beyoncé’s lyrics are spliced with excerpts from Adichie’s inspiring Ted talk about the disparity between the education of young girls and young boys, and the expectations of each. Some of Adichie’s powerful words on the track: ”A marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support. But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same?” It speaks directly to the fact that Beyoncé is so pro-marriage, but does not see that endorsement of matrimony as at odds with her feminism.

So to all of y’all who were chattering and complaining about how she called her tour the Mrs. Carter World Tour, or the fact that she uses the word “bitch,” y’all can take a seat. Beyoncé is a multi-faceted woman and she can be happily married, a mother, a hustler, AND she can be as well-read as any other academic feminist.

Beyoncé Doesn't Give a Damn About Your End-of-Year Lists

What’s that? There are only 17 days left in the year? Rolling Stone already named Vampire Weekend’s “Modern Vampires of the City” the best album of the year? Beyoncé is above your end of year lists. She doesn’t need the validation of being included on Pitchfork’s “Best Albums of 2013” list. Beyoncé is an album for true Queen Bey fans (and inevitably, newcomers to the Church of Bey): she announced it with such little fanfare on Instagram because the fearless, boundless and raw 14 songs and 17 music videos are more than enough to speak for her power and her impact.

If You Were Curious: Beyoncé's Definitely Getting Some

I fainted when I heard the words to “Blow.” I woke up, rubbed my eyes, watched the video wherein Bey is shaking her ass in technicolor at a roller rink, and then fainted again. Beyoncé is sexual in a way that is almost too much to think about. But let there be no ambiguity henceforth about Bey’s sexuality, because she is giving us lyrics like “Can you lick my skittles/ it’s the sweetest in the middle/ Pink that’s the flavor/ Solve the riddle” and you don’t need to be a Sherlock to get at the innuendo.

Beyoncé came out swinging with the raunch. It’s a stance against the double-bind — you don’t have to be chaste to be respected. You can be as nasty as you want. It’s so amazing to see Beyoncé sing about how much she enjoys sex, because why shouldn’t she? She owns it and she’s in control of it.

"I woke up like dis"

The lyrics on this album are so insanely aggressive and empowering. Beyoncé makes me feel like I can do anything and I deserve everything I want in this world. “We woke up like this, we flawless.” GODDAMN RIGHT WE DID.

Beyoncé Just Revived and then Re-murdered the Music Video

I‘m actually a little mad at Beyoncé for releasing so many amazing music videos when I am still not over how adorable the “Countdown” music video was. But she released 17. When was she making all these glorious, sexual, flaw-free moving art pieces? The makeup, the wardrobe, the set locations (see: EVERYWHERE), the direction, the endless gif-ability… my blood pressure is rising.

How can I casually wear a white fur with a bathing suit while walking the dog? Beyoncé just veritably created a new medium — the visual album. Lady Gaga can tell us as much as she wants that she is reinventing art, but Queen Bey just goes ahead and actually reinvents it.

Beyoncé Made You Spend Money on iTunes

I spent $15.99 on Beyoncé. The last thing I bought on iTunes was an episode of Top Chef: Seattle. Lady knows how to hustle. She also made me go way over my data plan. Do I even care? Her new album has sold more than 550,000 in a weekend. A diva IS a female version of a hustler.

We Now Live in a Post-'Beyoncé' World

How can we ever go back to a time where Beyoncé didn’t exist? Queen Bey just silenced everyone who claimed she was submissive, because what is more powerful than releasing an album entirely on one’s own terms with no fanfare, no hype, no publicity? An album that stands entirely on its own two legs, showering us all with strong lyrics, graphically perfect music videos that are complex and raw and powerful?

Beyoncé just showed us her best self and she makes us all want to be better. I thought I was an atheist, but this weekend I have realized I’m a member of the Church of Bey. Praise Beysus, amen.