'Fifty Shades of Grey' Movie Better Not Have Any of These 7 Things

I know that there are people out there who are unrestrainably excited for the release of the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. I just don't know them personally. For the rest of us non-Twilight-fan-fiction people, we have some basic requirements before we commit to seeing a movie that may or may not make Twilight look like Casablanca . Image: Ben Tavener via Flickr

'Fifty Shades of Grey' Better Tread Lightly or We're Locking It In The Sex Closet

I know that there are people out there who are unrestrainably excited for the release of the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. I just don't know them personally. For the rest of us non-Twilight-fan-fiction people, we have some basic requirements before we commit to seeing a movie that may or may not make Twilight look like Casablanca . Image: Ben Tavener via Flickr

Absolutely no "holy crap"s

Not one. Not a single fucking one. Because if you've read the book, you've read "holy crap" so many times that if a small child said it, you might punch them right in the face out of pure instinct. Holy crap, I'm going to lock that phrase in my sex dungeon and leave it there until it dies.

No 'Twilight'-style sex

This is the book that famously introduced BDSM for Mommies, so do us a favor: less intense staring and useless writhing this time, more actual sex. Sorry, but if you're going to make a movie about dominants and submissives, there better be some damn choking/spanking/whatever. I WANT TO SEE RED HAND PRINTS AND BRUISES PEOPLE. Image: Summit

Zero, And I mean ZERO Coldplay

Brendon Thorne/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Someone really should've told E.L. James that a protagonist listening to Coldplay doesn't make him deep, it makes him a prepubescent girl. Honest to god, if I have to listen to "The Scientist" while either Christian or Anastasia stares longingly out a window I'm going to smack a bitch.

Let's stop pretending Anastasia is anything but hot

The entire book is all, "Oh, how could he like me? I'm so plain with my large gorgeous eyes, slim waist, flowing locks, and adventurous attitude towards sex." Not quite, but you get the point. Anyhow, she's clearly hot, so let's stop woman-shaming by pretending she had to be plain and get over it. Image: Amy Dunn via Flickr

No actual dialogue from the book

Please dear lord, get a screenwriter. I'd even take Bret Easton Ellis (who expressed a desire to write for the film), despite how weird that would be. All i know is that sitting in front of a screen getting my ears assaulted by the likes of "Holy crap! But will it? How?" for close to an hour will actually make my brain bleed. Just no.

NO SEQUELS

I can't handle three or more movies of this. Because, inevitably, we'll have to watch Ana have Christian's baby and I'm just not fricking doing that. People have to have some standards, and that's where I draw the line. It'll be 50 shades shittier than it would've been as a single product.

Actually, just don't make it

Clearly, we have a lot of demands. Surely, they're not all going to be met. Plus, some hot actor is going to be ruined forever by this role and I don't want to see that happen. Why not just nip this ill-fated fluke in the bud?