One of the most devastating things a modern human can do is buy a new iPhone only to find, shortly thereafter, a new model has been released. Yes, two months ago I purchased a brand new iPhone 6, and now the new iPhone 6s is coming out. Cue the devastating move soundtrack. Seriously though, someone call the whambulance because I'm wearing my privilege on my sleeve and I don't care. I'm too devastated about this phone thing. Not really though, because I've gone through all the emotional stages of seeing the iPhone 6s update right after renewing my phone, so I'm totally chill about it now. As you will be once you've finished reading this post.
Meanwhile, it seems nearly impossible to keep up with Apple technology. Which is fantastic, because it means that they have a lot of cool stuff, which makes you cooler by default when you own it. So if you, like me, fudged in and bought a new phone close enough to the new release that you're kicking yourself for not being patient enough to wait a teeny bit longer, don't distress too much. For starters, worse things have happened. Although this is pretty bad. No, you're right. You should definitely go to pieces over this. Here are the main emotional stages of seeing the iPhone 6s update right after renewing your phone:
1. Unsurprised Indifference
I mean, of course Apple is about to release a new phone. Of course they did, why wouldn't they? And of course they'd release it right after you've just spent $800 on the previous model phone. Because this is the kind of stuff that happens to you.
2. Mounting Indignation
But really, couldn't the universe give some notice, would it be so hard? It would certainly stop costly misunderstandings like this from happening...
3. Full Blown Indignation
It's one thing for Beyoncé to drop and album by surprise, but a phone is an investment, you know? You should have at least five years to prepare. Who the hell doesn't love to be prepared, right?
4. Utter Rage
WHAT THE BLEEPING BLEEP? WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THIS WAS HAPPENING? WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME FROM MAKING THIS HIDEOUS MISTAKE?!
5. Seething Disavowal
That's it. You're quitting the modern world. You're just going to go Paleo on technology and talk to rocks.
Oh wait, what the hell is Sally doing at that bar? Crazy lady. Ergh, I am so sick of John constantly putting up photos of his baby... Oh man, Esther is on the best vacation, I need a vacation... (You are easily distracted. Or maybe your brain is just trying to find another way to cope.)
7. A Little More Annoyance
This situation could be better. I mean, your iPhone 6 is great, but it could be a little bit better. Oh God, why isn't it the new iPhone 6s?
8. More Indignation
OF. COURSE. THIS. HAPPENED.
9. Total Calm
Ah well. It happened. It's done. There will be an iPhone 7 soon enough, and you'll just buy that (narrowly missing out on the 7S, probably). Everything is fine. All Apple products are good products, so you're still winning.
10. Self Loathing
You are the worst. You've been crying over an iPhone? When you already have a perfectly good iPhone? And some people don't even have food? You are literally the worst. (Me too though.)
11. Gushing Appreciation
*Starts kissing iPhone 6, hugging it to chest, sleeps cuddling it.* You promise never to complain again. (Just so long as you have an iPhone, any iPhone will do.)